Oh yeah… I also keep forgetting … remember my strawberry sprouts? They are still alive!! They take “forever” to get bigger … but I have 3 sprouts – still care for them daily ❤️ … and finally they are growing another tiny leaf lol

I have been able to keep them alive and well and still growing!! Excited I can do plants now 🌱 !! Can not wait for strawberries 🍓 – which will take forever cause that’s how is going 🤨

But I’m excited!!! I keep forgetting to mention they are still alive and doing good! Slow AF but good! … how much longer til strawberries? lol kidding… but yes I was that kid that always asked how much longer lol ✌️😄

My drive home is just incredible!!! It’s so beautiful …

Well first of all… I have the highways practically to myself… I like this no traffic deal… that’s pretty cool …

Then I come into town which is this old (formally small) town… looks very cowboyish but upscale cowboy lol … currently is deserted… with the exception of me and maybe another straggler car here and there.

You just keep driving past town… and then turns into the most beautiful incredible soothing ride…

There is open country fields that the afternoon sun just floods through as it’s getting ready to set. Just open fields lit up by the sun…

Then it gets hilly, and just really calm and peaceful… trees and streams, pastures with donkeys and some with cows or goats… it’s so beautiful! The back drop is the sunset!! And I’m the only one around!!! Oh my god! Just really peaceful

Anyway – is beautiful and calming.

I always think of John Denver out here …

This song in particular … Country Roads ❤️

Not in West Virginia, but any country fits – just imagine California instead … is all beautiful like this!! And the song paints you a picture – you can feel it and practically see it through the song!!

When you put the scenery together with the song – it’s incredible!

I will have to work on a new playlist for work… I end up looping same songs. No worries though – I have tons of music 🎶… when I worked at the golf course … I had headphones on always… I got to be out on a beautiful golf course with music – yeah pretty beautiful and amazing! But I have all different kinds of music – just depends on my mood.

Today I think I liked this song the most though? Just mellow and I like it… felt like this one today…

Anyway… I am tired but I don’t wanna go to bed yet!!! Isn’t even 8pm!! No just no lol

We had dinner and chatted – now we bumps on logs lol

I could watch a movie – I asked daughter to watch movie with me but she is socializing on that phone 🤨 (this is why I like Fridays lol)

So I’ll have to see what I want. Maybe?? … I might fall asleep for a movie?

Actually maybe just read posts and then go to bed… probably that will happen lol

Gnite ✌️

Alright well – at work. I am thankful and excited to work… but I kinda miss people… isn’t that funny…

Normally I stay away and use caution with people … I’m constantly wanting an invisibility cloak lol… but I’m kinda missing people – who would have ever thought? … FYI I just say that now cause I miss having people …but still stay away lol

At first … woo hoo!!! …was my dream come true … what? Stay away from people??!’ Don’t go out?? Hell yes!!! I’m on it! Already do that, Lol

But now… 🤔… ok fine… I miss people… somewhat… whatever.

I have sun!! Woo hoo!! There is sun!!! Yay!! Finally!! Is still chilly but not freezing! Not like yesterday 🤨 …yesterday was freezing and boring rain!! ugh all day! And into the night and I heard it this morning!

Yeah I just want sun at this point – winter be gone… I’m good. Sun please!!

I miss people in the same way you miss seeing the sun on a dreary rainy day?? Dammit! People are my sun ☀️ – awww ❤️

But I also like some aspects of this isolation thing.

Alright let me get some stuff done… I’ll be back. 🤨

Alright so I got to work today… no one is allowed in except one employee at a time and so there really isn’t anyone to mess anything up lol … little things here and there and I still cleaned

I re-disinfected cause you can never be too careful … all door knobs anything I could think of just ya know work when was quiet for the most part.

And I just delighted my little girl with something ❤️ she’s excited

I have my I dunno ?? Essential employee paper work? So closing up now.

And then in regard to ya know – the text …

I get he has his issues too. I tried to help him with that too… but bottom line is – I’m not at ease anymore. He isn’t peace to me now… so it kinda rippled.

I try to think if I laid any of my own baggage on his shoulders … maybe? I don’t mean to … and I’m sure he didn’t either

I’m just not at ease like I used to be with him. I don’t find him peaceful like I used to? So I dunno. There is just this uneasy feeling now.

I just keep my life really peaceful or try to…

I can forgive him… and yeah I can offer friendship I think?? I will try!! My thing there is… that’s hard – I do still have feelings … I don’t want remember that hurt all the time. And ya know … I am trying to stay stable right now

I just want my own peace too… and that’s just being at ease … he can’t offer me that right now.

I wish he could – but he just can’t.

So. I dunno.

I will be nice – but there will be a distance.

Alright gotta shut down for night and head home.

Maybe back later ✌️

So… I get to be at work… I love working anyway, cause I loved both my jobs … now of which is only one… but I’m lucky I have that. I know that.

I feel like a person to have somewhat of that normal life when you get up and out and go to work…

It does feel weird though too… cause well – I get to come out and “kind of”… loosingly saying “work” … I had the highways to myself… and it’s just weird.

All I am here to do is take those death calls… there are several notices in my email and around the office … on EVERY SINGLE death call- for the safety of our staff … we MUST ask if death is COVID-19 related. Absolutely must know on every call.

I also have to carry around a business card and paperwork saying I am essential worker… I have to take that everywhere I go. Which is home and work lol … but that’s not different from before anyway lol

But otherwise … I’m just here to take those death calls and get those bodies picked up

Omg just sounds so morbid … it is of course… but it is life.

Also… people are listening… but there are still MANY who are essential… grocery stores, gas stations, food places, delivery people, police, fire, me, etc

So ahh… there are still many who are at risk? So I dunno… my east coast is getting hit pretty hard ☹️ bleh – California too

It’s in my face today 🤨 it’s not usually in my face. All week … I avoid mostly.. it’s always there 🤨 … but here is in my face … so little weird

I got this job right before all this happened.

I got the job… worked one month..

Then boom… this. 🤨

Ok. 🤨

So ya know… thrown in the fire lol … kidding … it’s fine… we all are

I do like being tucked away though. But I liked that before this too.

Yeah… I know… I see the issues too lol ✌️😘

Whatever – just writing it out ✍️

Ok well, I’m gonna get my music on! Pray for no calls!!

Stay safe, be well✌️

Ps brr!!! It is chilly – but again remember I have been Californicated … so what I think is cold – is wussy. Whatever – just saying

And it’s gray… and overcast 🤨 can I have some sun please!! Where is my spring????!!!

I am freezing! 🥶

Alright so… day went well… did my yard work, the boys came and helped me, then we all had a nice dinner. After dinner we took a walk and was just a really nice time…

Then we decided to play a board game and my oldest pulls out the board game version of “Plague” lol … alright well whatever … it was pretty cool… I do like the actual game Plague, Inc… and it’s very similar but on a board game. There is just a constant theme going on here lol… but was still very fun.

Had a very nice Friday night.

In other news … so that person texted me today…

I really didn’t think he even thought of me or cared at this point. And I wasn’t really sure how I felt when I saw the message. I was kinda shocked to see that message.

So this was a person who… was in my life for about 6 years… he was like a best friend? Kinda?

We helped each other through a lot of things… he was hurt by 2 women – and I wasn’t looking for or expecting anything from him. Just friendship at first..

I met him at my old job at the golf course… he’s a baseball player. He golfs too obviously.

I felt at ease with him because he had been hurt by those 2 women – I felt like if he knew that pain – he wouldn’t inflict on others? It’s a horrible pain to go through.

Well anyway… we had a lot of coincidences and we both had been through a lot…

He really helped me through a lot – and was pretty amazing … i was coming out of domestic violence … and he was so gentle and sweet – caring – went out of his way to always make sure I was ok

I once shared a really personal story with him about something my ex did that caused me severe fear with a particular thing… he took that story… and then picked me up one day, took me into the mountains and said “I wanna help you get over your fear” and he spent all day with me helping me with that… he brought all the supplies and even lunch… kept helping me until I no longer was shaking and afraid and could do myself…

I still remember the memory that caused my fear – but now the help and kindness he showed me that day – kinda over rides the fear? He taught me how to handle. That meant a lot, whether he meant it to matter or not… it meant a lot to me. Still does.

I never put any pressure on him ever… and he didn’t pressure me for anything either… it was very just chill. We just enjoyed each other’s company.

Also… he was there while I lost my family – he was there when everything was fine and then was there when they all started dying… and he was there through the divorce… and he was there through my cancer – all of it…

He would do the sweetest things like for example… during some of those awful moments … he would just say… ok we going away… be ready 😮

So alright – I would be ready… and he would come pick me up and take me to the mountains and we would go hiking or he would take me on his boat… just simply to give me a moment of peace while my sky was falling. He took my mind away.

Since he was a baseball player … he would travel a lot … and once even took me to Las Vegas to watch him play all weekend – that was fun!!

The first day… I just sat out there watching his game … and when the game was over – he came over to me looked at me and said “umm ok we going shopping” lol

I had forgotten I was Irish that day… and got a little burnt lol… so he took me shopping after the game and he bought me an umbrella, chair, cooler, filled that cooler with drinks and snacks, lotion, fan… anything you can think of to be comfortable watching baseball in Las Vegas sun ☀️

The next 2 days were way better lol … but that was sweet and thoughtful. Lotion and a hat would have been fine, but he made sure I was completely taken care of. Like a gentleman.

So yeah – those things just kinda put me at ease and let down my guards with him.

After that Vegas trip, I was with my mother … I was telling her all about it…

And she said … who is this man? You love him 🤨

No I do not 🤨

And she laughed and said yes you do… you should see your face when you speak about him… I have never seen your face light up so much then when you talk about someone.

She was kinda right – I was falling for him. I loved being with him and the things he did. He was just so sweet.

I still didn’t expect anything or put on any pressure for anything … I liked it being easy like that. I had peace with him… And he was so good to me… It allowed me to let my guards down … I enjoyed time with him when was able.

We both kept a distant to be kinda safe… I think for me – I was just nervous… and for him? I dunno – he too was nervous I think? Once you burned by people it’s hard…

Anyway… I let my guard down because he was an amazing man… I invited him over for dinner one night… and I never ever do that for anyone!! Haven’t before him or since …

That was a big thing for me to do… I was letting him come closer into my life?

Well dinner was nice… but we had a disagreement/misunderstanding?… and then he said words …

Watch your words – they can haunt you… you can’t take them back… they can be forgiven – but those words haunt.

We discussed what we each wanted and we were not on the same page. Which is fine – we can be friends but I want to pull back some, cause I am having feelings. If he doesn’t want what I want then that’s fine, but I need to just figure out things myself too. And I don’t wanna be hurt if we aren’t on same page. I was also trying to get a grip on everything I was handling at that moment in my own life.

I don’t want to repeat the next words he said … was not directed at me specifically but more so towards women in general… but it hurt … severely – I had never heard words like that out of his mouth so meanly. And then he said “just leave me alone”. You got it

You don’t have to tell me twice – I’m out – watch me walk away! And so I did. I went no contact. From every day texts – to nothing.

If those were his feelings then ok. He should know me better than to place any hard feelings towards any other women on my shoulders. I am not them. And have never given him any reason to even categorize me with them

I know my worth and those words were not ok.

He never said sorry, never tried to fix … that was back in November … and it was just done. Poof and gone

I felt like I lost my best friend … cause he kinda was… he knew everything – all the stories I can’t speak of … he let me say them… I could feel comfortable saying to him… I could say anything to him. He let me be free… he just let me “be”… and again gave me peace during moments I had none.

And then that happened and there was silence … so I felt that pain… and up went the guards, sky high.

Have not heard one thing from him since November… since it went silent with him…

So he texted today.

I was just shocked. Didn’t see that one coming.

And I’m a bit of a hard ass with this stuff … I don’t give my time to anyone now… and I don’t give chances – know what you have when you have it.

So I wasn’t really sure how to feel.

I kinda felt like “what do you want” but I didn’t say that. But I am highly guarded with him now. Completely.

Anyway… he asked how I was doing and was I ok? How was I handling all this coronavirus stuff etc.

He texted like it was nothing… and no time has past… and everything was fine … but whatever … he was making an effort so I can be nice …

So I just said we were fine and doing ok, still handle my stuff – handling coronavirus ok, finding some peace in isolation… then I also asked how he was, if he was ok and how he was handling things

Was pretty umm… I dunno – I feel distant and cold… the convo was quick and simple.

I didn’t say this either but… Why even message? Why bring this back up? You bored or you care? I don’t play games and don’t put up with stupid stuff.

I do fine and have peace by myself.

If he was feeling it out to see if I was still upset or if I still would speak to him ? I dunno? I almost didn’t respond.

I just felt that he did a lot for me – so out of respect for that … I responded

My guards are up sooooo high!! And it’s just different now… he made me silent with him… I don’t think I can recover from that?

What’s that saying ?? Fool me once shame on you … fool me twice shame on me

He had his chance – he blew it.

So I had mixed feelings on that text message… now you think of me? You bored and lonely? And then ..I also did appreciate how he was towards me “before” that one day. If he was reaching out an olive branch then ok, that’s fine- but keep a distance

Yeah I’m a little harsh… just protective. I don’t trust.

I would prefer if he just left it alone. Thank you for checking on me – appreciate that… just don’t wanna go down that road again… I’m over it.

I’m just a little bothered by it. I’m too guarded now… so ya know… sorry. It’s different now. All my guards are up. That is not happening again.

Ok so… lesson coming at me today…

Let me see how it goes. I can offer my forgiveness, and let go… just remain guarded for my own protection. Lost my trust.

And did not expect to ever hear from again – and today I did. I didn’t think this person thought of me?

Took awhile to respond cause didn’t expect at all and wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to say… but I just said hello and wished them well.

I feel highly guarded on this one. Highly highly highly!! Top level guarded.

So we just see.

About to start my day… I’m even slower now lol… I have no rush for anything. I am dragging my feet… sipping my coffee… taking my sweet ass time lol

Today I will be clearing the weeds around my house, just some tall grasses and then also try to find hiding places for rattlesnakes 🐍😮 yeah we have those 🤨 … where is St. Patrick when you need him – why is only Ireland without snakes?! Is that actually true?

I have not had any run ins with any rattlers yet! Thank god!! Their season starts in April through maybe October… here comes summer

Ok so rattlers 🐍… there are so many place they can hide Oh my god! I will try to clear most of them… to avoid if at all possible… I would prefer not to meet one.

I can deal with the California spiders on steroids … and weirdo looking bugs – whatever – I don’t like to handle it – but I handle it 🤨😑😄

Definitely don’t like bees 🐝 or wasps … I have never ever been stung… I run away and flail my arms lol 😄✌️ … nope not today! Not ever!! Not your flower buddy … I just don’t ever wanna be stung so yeah … not a big fan. And we have these HUGE things I dunno if it’s a bee or what the hell it is?? But the thing is gigantic!! Nope! I will stay away from that! They buzz really loud – and give me heart attacks lol … don’t know what it is, don’t wanna know – just don’t sting me!! Lol

Not overly excited about dealing with rattlers – I just need to learn more about them. Can they just stay away from me? Lol

Ahhh the country lol… it is still beautiful – I just have to share my space with other things 🤨😄✌️

I do love frogs 🐸… we have tons of frogs at night – they are also loud lol … but I love frogs very much! Here our frogs are nice and not poisonous lol … at most they just pee on you lol – but they are fun.

Anyway… it is a beautiful day! I’m trying to just see what’s at hand and not think about being so isolated or being at the mercy of this virus.

I am being slow today though!! But whatever – no rush. Breathe❤️

Lol then eventually life will start back and I’ll be like Oh my god! Nooooo!! This better not spoil me with the quiet, the moments and being slow lol – must watch that!! Might be too late ?? Lol ✌️