Alright, whew… just handled all the bills… still surviving. I have one more big bill to pay – which will be fine… I pay that on the 10th… but I will have to go to bank to pull out. Ok so I will push that off until the 10th. Bleh – I don’t wanna go to the bank and touch stuff lol… but whatever

I have sun ☀️ I might take a people free adventure. I want it to warm up a little so I can put on my bathing suit and maybe get some sun too!! A few days ago I went outside and Oh my god! I’m really white!! Bleh!!! Like Casper white!! My freckles aren’t even helping me out!!

So yeah I wanna put on my bathing suit and get sun!!! But it may not be warm enough…

Ohh I just checked the app… yeah that’s not gonna happen… only 60 for the high. I need 70 or above lol ✌️

One of my neighbors keeps telling me the rattlers are out… has just seen a lot of baby ones – so I will have to be careful if I take an adventure.

I feel like I can breath a little easier now that I have all the bills handled. I also had to pay the vehicle registration which is due next month but you have to pay early so you get your sticker 🤨

When I was paying that… there is an option to do non-op lol… which means non operational… you have the vehicle but are not using it … was way cheaper and for just one moment I was like 🤔 hmm lol…

But no… I went and paid the whole thing because I will still need here and there and then eventually. But I wanted to click that non op button lol

I think the DMV is closed anyway (Department of Motor Vehicles) … that’s what they call it out here…

In Massachusetts they call it the RMV (Registry of Motor Vehicles)

Anyway… not sure when I will get sticker – but it’s paid so at least there be record of that.

Luckily I did NOT have to smog this year!! Woo hoo!! I hate hate hate having to smog!!!

California has this thing where they want your vehicle “smogged” – they check your emissions to make sure your vehicle is not polluting

But they don’t check anything else – so you can drive a death trap and they don’t care – as long as you don’t pollute! Lol

In Massachusetts – every year they make you get an inspection sticker (or at least they used to when I lived over there, it’s been awhile)

But with the inspection sticker they check everything!! The whole engine – everything … no death traps there lol … but they don’t smog or check if you polluting lol

Whatever every state is different.

I am just happy NOT to have to smog this year!!! I did that last year and it’s every 2 years. So thank god!! Yay!!! Bonus!!

Alright I do have to do few things and then possible adventure if I am feeling brave enough to handle some rattlers – am I tough enough? Not sure lol we see ✌️

Most is handled so doing good. So far … we see how next month is. Right now I’m staying alive lol ✌️

On March 27th… someone who used to be in my life and really close to me… reached out…

He was really special to me and I do have feelings for him- I did let him start to come in close. Still kept a distance, thank god … but I had let my guards down with him.

Before March 27th I had not heard from him at all. After our fall out … hmm 🤔

Ok so the way I see things is… when I was married – I gave chance after chance… believed excuse after excuse …

So I’m a little harder right now. Ok a lot harder. Fine whatever

Anyway after we had that disagreement and fall out… he said awful words – so I just felt like ok… see ya later… enjoy your life. I’m out ✌️

I’m not usually like that … If I love someone and they are in my life and mean something to me… I keep them… I don’t just walk away. Even if we disagree. He was like a best friend.

But here – I feel very hardened. Kind of. I don’t want to be hurt again.

I also kinda feel like… you didn’t know what you had when you had it? So there is that mentality too

So whatever – March 27th he messaged… I thought about just not responding … do I want to open that back up? – he really hurt so hmm I dunno…

So I just politely responded and said “hello we are all good, hope you are good too, thanks for checking” very vanilla … and left it at that… have not texted since then

I know he’s probably bored – so whatever … I just let it go… after that I’ve just remained silent.

He texted me again today.

When I see his name… I dunno? I did kinda fall in love with him, but then he kinda f*ed that up. So I dunno it’s just weird, I feel my heart but then also feel massive caution.

And he’s just bored. That’s it … I’m pretty sure ??

I don’t want to have to worry. I don’t want to feel unsure and don’t wanna deal with games of any kind – I am way too old for that…

We are under isolation so… ya know … he only thinks of me because of that? Or I feel like that at least.

He was saying very sweet things like he used to. And we did click back then. But I trusted him back then too so ya know? He doesn’t have that level of clearance anymore lol

He just put my guards way up and messaging me NOW… does not help matters … ok so maybe he was honestly checking to make sure I’m ok? I dunno

I still remember what he said. So it bothers me. He told me to leave him alone after that and I did. You got it – bye

Ok so ya wanna know what he said that bothers me ? Ok… fine… I didn’t sleep with him that night, so he made a comment about women and p power … yeah I’m not gonna say that word, if you can’t figure out no worries. It was bad

Anyway – we had words and then … he said leave me alone and I will leave you alone – ok I’m out! Don’t tell me twice

And that was it. I was thankful I didn’t not sleep with him… yeah nope … and those words just kinda destroyed his chances

So ya know… it hurt to lose him… especially after that and he was like my best friend at the time. I told him everything. I loved having him around. It broke my heart

But I let go. If that’s how you feel then ok…

The reason I didn’t sleep with him was because – I want something … he doesn’t want that … so that’s fine … but I’m not gonna just sleep with someone best friend or not. If not on same page – not gonna happen

When I was married I gave myself freely … to someone who didn’t appreciate or deserve so … why would I just sleep around like that?

And then on top of that… I had cancer so … I’m just different.

I do personally find my body beautiful – to ME/MYSELF… my breasts are awesome – nicely done … and when I look… I see the breasts … and I see how different it is…

I have no nipples … and pretty massive scars … I had many surgeries … no one except doctors has really seen me… one of my girlfriends has seen… I wore a bikini over her house one night to go swimming…

She just asked if I was ok or not … I am good.

But for me to see – is beautiful because I went through that – I walked through that and lived.

So while it just looks different and they say they can do tattoos to make me look normal… I don’t wanna look normal – I want it as is.

But I also am not sure how someone would react. There are a lot of pretty massive scars… the breasts look awesome… but they are scarred pretty bad

And not just that… not only will I be watching their reaction… but then also… it’s just emotional and I feel like that’s heavy to share?? That’s really emotional to me… So that gives caution also – I only want someone special for that

Anyway… he blew it… he almost had it. Thank god I was careful!

I do think – he thinks I will just accept back and be back to normal… but I can’t really ??

I don’t know if I could relax now? Those words just really bother me… and time has past – why now?

Now having said that… I know I have my guards due to my things… and I know he has issues from women who treated him badly … but I never did that to him… I never deserved those words. I would never have hurt him in any way.

So yeah that holds me back from him. I think he is just bored?

And then the police guy 🤨 … that’s a thing too 🤨

This one does make me laugh, yes … he’s really funny and we do click really awesomely – we have incredibly banter where our humor is spot on… we have been friends forever

We have the same sense of humor, the same zest for life … he’s pretty awesome – as a friend I enjoy him very much

I work really hard to keep people away from me… lol… that feels odd to say. But I do.

I stay quiet, I do not chase, I keep to myself … I make sure they don’t come too close… I keep my distances, don’t socialize even when not in lock down.

With the police guy… he is still trying to convince me to give him a chance 😑… but that makes me not trust him – he is too smooth with it. I just can’t

Luckily I have this isolation excuse for the time being. How long can we stretch this out? Lol kidding but not really

I do need to just lay it out to him … I just wanna tell him look – I don’t give anyone my time, I stay to myself – if I am a challenge to you – don’t bother.

As friends I don’t have to worry – but he wants to come in close and I don’t think I can do that??

I just do my own life … do my own things – I got my kids and my work… I still go through things … I am lucky to be alive … I just ignore this section of my life… the more I try to ignore the more it comes.

Yes I want something in my life – and yes I know you have to be open if you want something – I struggle so bad in this area.

So I dunno – all these people being bored lol

Anyway… maybe I’ll get over it one day? It’s not easy. I do feel terror. I just don’t know how to get over that. So whatever

I find more peace on my own? Rather than just handing over myself and my trust to someone.

I can do friends without issue… it’s just anything else – I can’t handle yet.

Also… I was with the same man for 30 years … and he was/is horrific so just a little cautious with stuff.

Not that I don’t miss things … I do. Totally!! 🤨

But I’m kinda just too umm cautious? I don’t know how not to be!!

I want something amazing – I never wanna settle for something that isn’t meant to be ever again. And I don’t want to give myself to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I don’t take test drives – no thank you

When you take the time to see someone and are patient and can understand their things, then ok… but I haven’t seen that yet

And then I know… the only way I will find something amazing is to let go right? But I can’t let go of being cautious?

Yeah whatever – just saying how it is and how I think on it. Bleh ✌️

Really dorky song choice but whatever … Don’t know what I’m so afraid of – I do… but I don’t ?? So whatever – it’s terrifying and frustrating!

I always have to be on guard with it… that gets exhausting too!!

Just stay away lol

No more boring storm for me 😳😮😮 Oh my god!

It’s is torrentially raining… like fierce… and there is hail!!! I can’t even hear my tv!!! The hail is just crazy!!!

Omg please don’t break the windshield on my car lol

The lightening floods through the entire house and immediately right after, the massive crack of seemingly endless, house shaking thunder!! 😮

I love when it shakes my house like that… with the big booms that are like right on top of you!!! It’s incredible!

The wind is brutal… it makes the rain and hail just beat agains my windows!!!

Now this is a storm!!! Yay!!

I have been sort of in bed lol… I figured if I was going to stay in bed all day long… well eventually I’ll have to eat – and with the day outside I just wanted… you know, comfort stuff…

So threw some chicken and stuff in the crock – plus would have that yummy warm comforting home type feeling… especially on a day like this 😮

Is sooo cozy… smells like moms cooking for me lol (I wish) … I’m all warm and comfortable… I can’t hear anything because of the pounding of the hail 🤨 but whatever… isn’t boring rain

I love it when it is not boring… has power – like a thrill? I like that type of power ALOT!! Definitely excites me!! Woo hoo! Definitely a thrill

Well, as long as, I still don’t have any leaks (so far so good) and my windshield doesn’t get smashed 🤨

If it’s gonna rain- give me power …I want that power!! Way better!!

We don’t get that very often here in California … normally it’s boring rain- I always complain – so I am thrilled – having an amazing day!! Woo hoo!!

Crazy though… but very exciting!!

Oh my god! This rain!!! It’s just pounding!!! The wind and the rain together are fierce!!

I am happy not to have to go out in this today.. that’s a bonus!

Today… I am doing absolutely nothing!!! I am not gonna look for anything to do, which is what I normally do… I am still in my sleep shirt .. have not showered since yesterday lol… being grubby woo hoo!! I’m gonna stay in bed all day!! I don’t think I have EVER stayed in bed all day… yeah I want that today

Ya know how normally you joke on a day like this and say I wish I coulda just stayed under the covers ?? I’m gonna do that today ❤️ … as long as I don’t float away and this wind doesn’t huff and puff and blow my house down lol – I might have issues then lol

But yeah I’m gonna stay under my covers for today. That’s sounds really nice to me today!! Doing that!!

Not gonna be thinking of anything just gonna stay under the covers!! I’m kinda excited for that woo hoo!!

Usually I look for things to do or make up things to do – or have things to do… today nope… not gonna shower, not dealin with nothin… staying under the covers and just be there lol

Hmm so wonder how long I will last lol … we will see – I might ache for a shower lol but we see …

Going under cover lol ✌️ yay!

I have so much to catch up with… I was busy today. Rough day. ☹️ Little tired.

Totally need a massage!!! I really need to invest in a massage chair – but I doubt I would ever leave it once I sat in it lol 😄✌️ but I do need a massage – my shoulders are really tense!!

It is pouring rain… the boring kind 🤨 … no thunder – no lightening … just plain rain. It’s just completely pouring buckets and is freezing 🥶

Anyway… sooo much rain!!! Where is my spring???? My sun!!! I’m good with the rain … can we move on?

Later, in summer, when I’m sitting here in triple digits – then you can remind me how I didn’t want rain lol ✌️😄

Anyway… whew what a day.

I don’t work tmrw … I won’t work again until next Saturday … and next Sunday I get to work – I will be covering several funeral homes 😮 so little scared of next Sunday!!

Alright well hope your nights are well – and everyone is doing good and safe ✌️ Gnite

Ok … am at work… I don’t work tmrw so thrilled to be here today!!! All by myself ❤️

It’s gonna rain… I thought would rain on me with my drive in but it didn’t. It will … REALLY freezing 🥶… and overcast and windy… brrr!!! I really need to be living in Hawaii … it’s what 80 there all the time – yeah think I want that lol 😄✌️ … the only problem with Hawaii is – it’s too expensive. And then they have their own downsides too so whatever. There really isn’t a greener grass … just your perception.

Anyway… ~sigh~

Alright well… everyone stay well. Please be careful! ✌️

That song made me giggle a little this morning ✌️ whatever

Welp … schools done – cancelled for rest of year… I saw that coming from day 1 … so I expected. I saw this happening… I knew we wouldn’t be back.

I also have a graduation this year too which is not happening – they don’t even know how they gonna do. Probably “Zoom” it 🤨😑 first generation without a graduation – that kinda sucks

What a weird unknown year!!

I would really like to hit control alt delete lol reboot the year!! It completely loaded wrong!!

So ya know how I attach songs to things … my living room song is attached to this 2020 isolation lol

That song comes on the radio every time I get in the car for work or when I had to go to store!! Or just turn on the radio in general… and that’s the song I change the lyrics lol… I sing my own lyrics on that one – still has “dance in the living room”… I just change the other lyrics lol

My daughter can not stand that song lol… but I hear it constantly!!!! So it’s attaching

Not to mention the only thing I can really do anyway… is dance in the living room lol… so kinda fits nicely lol ✌️😄

Songs attach for me if I hear a song over and over in a time period – or something triggers a song with a happening or person…

My sister has a song… hers is this one …

And no her name is NOT Sara… that is her song because she had a doll named Sarah and when that song came out, she adored it because of her doll, which was her favorite – when I hear the song “Sara” I think of my sister and that doll

I don’t think I have one attached to myself?? Huh 🤔… yeah nope… not that I can think of … just memories, time periods, places and people … but none to me? I don’t think you could peg me with a song?

I am unpeggable lol ✌️ my music taste is wide ranging so yeah I don’t think you can peg me lol ✌️

Oh wait no … that’s not true … I am peggable … there is a few songs that could be pegged on me lol – I won’t say them… I don’t wanna purposely peg myself lol… plus I find it more fun if you can figure that out … which you won’t lol

I don’t think you could guess my song pegs just with my words? But who knows ✌️

Ok I have to start dinner for family night ✌️❤️ woo hoo!! ❤️

Ok… I don’t want to laugh… it’s NOT supposed to be funny… but I find it REALLY funny … and then I get in trouble for that …

I went to bed earlier … my child stays up chatting with her friends … I told her not to stay up too late – blah blah blah – parent stuff …

Ok… so I go to bed… then she wakes me and says “hey can you come shut my light off once I’m in bed ? 🤨

Um what you waking me for? … cause what and why?? Lol

I am girly and she’s not AS girly as me … she has 2 older brothers – so I am way more girly lol… HOWEvER… when comes to bugs … oh wow !!! Lol she just can not handle bugs 🤨

Look I do not like bugs either… but they here and whatever – deal with it – is how is – I have no control over bugs lol

Well then she says she saw a spider 🕷 and then there is no way I will get to sleep unless I go check for this spider 🤨

There was a spider but just a small normal little house spider … to her you’d think it was the most terrifying thing ever … well yes… but ya have to handle it!!

So whatever – now she’s all freaked out 🤨 … I tell her – fine just come sleep with me then…

She does… I finally climb back to bed and she’s on her phone 🤨… I said “what are you doing? we need to go to bed”

And with a completely straight face says to me “I’m googling arachnophobia“ 🤨 😄

I’m sorry …I found that funny and started laughing – don’t mean any disrespect or unsupportiveness but it was just unexpectedly funny? Or it hit me that way.

She does not see the humor in the situation … ok

It’s the middle of the night – back to bed – gnite ✌️