I’m not sure what I want to write about today? I wanted to share something personal… but I’m not sure about that. It’s Friday and my family day… so I’m not sure.

Maybe I’ll just write and if it comes out ok, I’ll post it – so we will see… I have personal stuff that I find hard to speak of…

That’s because of the way I cope. Some of it is really heavy to me, or it will make me cry… I don’t like to feel heavy and I certainly do not like to cry!!

I am typically just a happy positive person, I joke around a lot… laughter kinda helps me survive. I like and try to savor life not be weighed down by it.

I have a lot to be blessed and thankful for – I do love my life ❤️ and I do love who I am as a person

Like everyone I have things that make me cry though. Those are the things I find really hard to speak of. It kinda chokes me so then I just want to avoid, or have to avoid so I can stay strong through things.

That’s not always good though … I didn’t wanna accept my cancer 🤨 oh that was hard … probably the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I walked through an abusive marriage before that… still the cancer was harder.

I knew and still know the evil with the abuse… I didn’t know the evil coming at me with the cancer. Bleh – yeah that makes me cry.

I find all of that still overwhelming to think about – both of those things.

I also don’t like to look backwards… life goes on – you move forward. I survived both, still surviving.

But life does effect you. Those things make who you are, they shape the way you see and how you cope. Sometimes those things can hold you back?

I only try to look back so that I may truly move forward?

In that case – when I look back at the cancer … I do feel emotions and they are overwhelming … I survived that and I am so thankful for that. It didn’t take me ❤️

Certain things about that still kinda choke me up… I remember those moments and those emotions – I do not have a mind erase for that, other than the fact that I survived.

I can speak on the cancer really easy even with that… I found it harder to go through than the abuse … but I find the abuse harder to speak about.

I never hid my cancer – I always hid the abuse.

I still keep quiet with the abuse. It’s just too hard to speak about. I try but I can’t.

And then I know that holds me back so ya know eventually I have to, so I can move forward.

But I just don’t know how… I know others went through those things too…

I go to try to speak but then it’s just too much and then I don’t … I’ve always been quiet with it.

Like with the cancer, there are really heavy emotions there and I can’t walk through those when it comes to the abuse.

So I’m just learning how to understand it and move forward.

I did get out, I do have my life … but it does hold me back severely.

So I guess sometimes you do have to look back to move forward… I don’t know how to do that just yet with that.

I always just avoid it and keep it quiet … because of the cancer I want to just always feel and love life – I don’t want to take that for granted. Life is too short to cry over spilled milk… But I also don’t want anything holding me back.

I feel great pressure from the abuse … even still… so I want that gone.

Anyway… I have gotten used to avoiding – but when you avoid things all that happens is it haunts you. So whatever – I’m learning or trying to.

It’s still too much for me to speak about so I’ll get there one day… I’ve had years of keeping quiet – so I just have to unlearn that part ✌️ I’m not quite sure how to cope with that just yet.

www.youtube.com/watch

Got some good color today… I do small doses while lotioned up so I do not burn so badly lol

I remind myself of roasting marshmallows … don’t leave on the flame too long and turn slowly so one side doesn’t catch fire or get overly burnt lol 😄

I would like a new bikini 👙… I haven’t gone bikini shopping since I got the new parts last July. Not a big deal but would be nice.

I have 2 … I have a cute little Hawaiian one that is skin colored with Hawaiian 🌺 flowers on it… and then don’t laugh – but yes I do have a United States 🇺🇸 flag bikini lol (I really love that one!! Though!!)

I’m not totally used to the new stuff just yet… no one sees me so whatever … and I suppose I could go topless? 😮 lol … I’m in the country, but still whatever – not that ballsy yet – even by myself lol ✌️

You never know when a neighbor will pop over – and my luck, the minute I go topless will be the day everyone comes over lol… I already had one heart attack earlier with that alarm – don’t want any others!

The Hawaiian one makes me bust out … the American flag one is better cause that one has ties so I can adjust the pop lol

The scars saved my life so every time I see them – I feel incredibly blessed to still be alive ❤️ … one of those scars is pretty big… it goes from the center of my chest to almost my back… they had to severely cut me open.

It’s still a deep purple color against white/pink freckly skin 🤨😄 makes me think of a neon sign … is there a way to lighten that?? Don’t say lemon juice lol

On a funny note …

I have this card? Is like a license? For the implants 😄😄 … just kidding … actually it’s the size of a license … and each implant is coded – this card has those codes and the amounts used.

I usually carry it with me everywhere – incase I was ever in an accident or something? So any physician will know, just incase. Has all the information should that ever be needed. They tell me to keep with me, so I do… I just call it my license to have implants 😄😄✌️

I had a choice to get the implants or not… the choice for me was to do that… I am happy with my decision…

I don’t think mentally I would have been ok without that decision… the full mastectomy would have been too much for me after already going through what they put me through.

For the woman that can handle that, I am impressed by your strength – I just don’t think I would have been ok? It would have crushed me and just not been good.

I do have photos from before my surgeries, right after the mastectomy and before & after the implants.

Just looking at the pictures right after the mastectomy – I can’t handle those pictures – I have such a rush of emotions and it was severe. It is weird looking, and painful looking and too much for me to handle.

So… I have the implants. Still getting used to them… they are a little different – when the rest of my body is hot, they keep a lower temp lol… I kinda like that though

I have no feeling in my breasts whatsoever … they took all my nerves as well. If I touch them, I can feel the pressure of touch but no sensation.

I do feel better having them. So do believe I made the right decision for me.

Is not something I ever would have done if it wasn’t for that cancer – I was happy as was

I like them… they don’t really feel like me just yet? But I do feel better having them. ❤️

Either way – saved my life so whatever – I’m just less crushed having them.

Not everyone has the option or wants that choice … I had the option and I took that choice. I do not regret. I am thankful! ❤️ is a personal decision.

So big giant neon purple scar or not – I’m happy… it allowed me to not be so devastated by the cancer and all that went on ✌️

Now I just have to get used to them lol … and I have my license for boobs 😄✌️❤️

I don’t have a song for boobs lol… not a tasteful one anyway lol 😄✌️

Instead I’ll go with this one… and instead of surviving a man… I kinda hear the lyrics of this song towards my old breasts… they were like time bombs to me… they did keep coming back… I kept having to fight them… but I did survive ✌️❤️

www.youtube.com/watch

I might be little shy while I get used to them and my scars… is all new still… but I am not shy in the slightest sharing my story if it helps someone. ✌️

This morning I woke to the scariest alarm I have ever heard 😳😮🤨

Was my daughters alarm because she had a school meeting this morning with her class lol

Oh my god! Can you say heart attack!! Lol … don’t do that to your old mother 😄✌️

Which reminds me of when I was a teenager…

As a teenager – I was a sleeper… I just wanted sleep… I would stay up really late watching tv or talking with friends … that was before cell phones and computers …

I used to have a radio alarm clock … but would go off and I would sleep right through it

This was me as a teenager …

www.youtube.com/watch

Lol… I dunno what my problem was … I am not like that now – but as a teenager yup that was me lol… but I didn’t hear alarms

Until one day my mom was tired of always having to wake me up … so she bought me one of those old fashioned alarm clocks ⏰ with the 2 bells

OH MY GOD!! That thing gave me a heart attack!!! Nope no way am I using that!!! That lasted one morning and then some how broke lol 😄✌️not happening – I didn’t want to wake up with heart palpitations every morning lol – oh the horror of that one morning still haunts me lol

Now I have an internal alarm… Now I’m older so I have that wake up early thing lol 😄✌️ …

I also go to bed “usually” at a decent hour, but even if I stay up late… I still wake early due to the internal alarm thing!! I used to have a schedule, lol… recently I have let that relax a little – but still wake early

Anyway… not much happening at this moment … daughter doing school… is another beautiful amazing day out… think that bikini is in order again today!! Small doses of sun lol – don’t wanna be burnt

I’m gonna pick Dream Weaver this morning … In memory of sleeping lol 😄✌️ … and that stupid alarm that gave me a heart attack one morning lol

www.youtube.com/watch

Little mellow but whatever … I prefer mellow over heart attacks lol ✌️❤️

Tonight I thought I would share some musical memories …

Growing up I was severely sheltered from the outside world… (that’s putting it conservatively) … I did not know there was other music besides what my parents or grandparents listened to. I had no exposure to outside my family or what I was allowed.

In 1983, I was in the 5th grade, one of my girlfriends got a stereo for Christmas and I went over her house to check it out…

She flipped it on and the first song I ever hear besides my parents music was this song…

www.youtube.com/watch

https://youtu.be/oXA6CLTDekw

That was the very first new song I ever heard!! 😮 and that just made me explode with music after that.

I said to her “Oh my god! What kind of music is that?!” And it was all over … I couldn’t get enough…

By 1985… I was a 7th grader in middle school… we would have PE… and then we would always finish WAY before the bell would ring for the next class – and back in the day everyone had a boom box lol (Oh my god!) so hilarious

So we would set up the boom box in the gym and all us girls would tag team each other and take turns dancing with each other to this song … while the boys just stood around watching …

www.youtube.com/watch

https://youtu.be/P5m8lj5DCtI

It was amazing – both the music and the dancing!!! ❤️ was 80’s style sexy and robotic lol hilarious ❤️

I went to school in that moment in a racially divided area of the southeast… but after PE, in that gym before the bell rang – we all danced together – there was no race ❤️ just fun!! Unity through music 🎶

Sometimes in my life there have been moments that could have been on TV… one time when I was maybe 18? We went to a first night celebration for New Years … obviously I was underage, but we brought our own 🍾 champagne 🥂 and plastic glasses.

Our plan was to be downtown watching the fireworks happen at midnight and open that then … it didn’t really work out that way…

Instead we ran late and got stuck on the subway at the exact moment of midnight… so as midnight chimed … we passed out all the glasses on the subway and shared our 2 bottles of champagne with whoever was there on that subway with us at that moment.

And like a movie… everyone broke out into song and sang Auld Lang Syne ❤️ was pretty bad ass ❤️❤️❤️ I’ve never seen anything like it before or after… had an amazing New Years I will never forget with complete strangers ❤️

youtu.be/zfvz7_yALnE

https://youtu.be/zfvz7_yALnE

Moments of music – I will never forget ❤️ I love music 🎶 ❤️

Whew it’s a little toasty in my fricken hazmat suit for shopping lol… just got home.

Since I was going to store already, got my people things too and dropped those off… the stores are still limited with what they have

But whatever got most.

Everyone here shops with a mask on and geared up. In my area at least…

In the big city – nope… they are having a pick up in cases in the big city 😮 … if they reopen us we gonna have wave 2!! They gonna have to do county by county or something and wait 2 weeks at a time or something.

My big city is picking up with cases.

I don’t know how they are going to do this.

Anyway… just put the groceries away, got out of the hazmat suit… now in some really comfy summer clothes ❤️❤️❤️ ahhhh summer …. I am so hot right now though… so sweaty!!!

One of my neighbors horses died today… it was sick… I dunno with what?? I just know they are very sad. ☹️

Whew … I just can not cool down at this moment!!! I am literally radiating heat!! 🤨

www.youtube.com/watch

Gonna cool off ✌️

Teenagers 🤨😄😄

She’s over there laughing really hard I can hear her from the other room…

So I wanna laugh too… I go to where she is and say “what so funny?”

She say “nothing” 🤨

C’mon just tell me

You won’t get it 🤨

What? Yes I will, you always say that

Because you never get it

🤨😄😄😄 she’s right – I couldn’t argue … ok fine ✌️ … she did make me laugh though ❤️

I feel a little quiet? Did not do the store today – I will be creative tonight and we have water so we be fine for now.

I’ll deal with that tmrw. I just don’t want to right now.

Yeah I’m quiet 🤫?? Absorbing somewhat I suppose.

I try to think of a story that will make me feel better, or tell things that went on today… but I dunno not feeling it??

I wanted a song for silence … and I just keep thinking of this one…

www.youtube.com/watch

But that doesn’t help me at all!!! That makes it worse – no wonder their name is disturbed cause now I’m more disturbed lol

I can’t do that one right now – I need another one…

www.youtube.com/watch

That’s calmer… not as disturbing lol… but let me try one more…

Ok found my song ❤️…

www.youtube.com/watch

Better. Not perfect but not disturbed ✌️ I’ll work on it

I haven’t left yet… still dragging my feet.

Then one of my girlfriends texted me… I thought was just going to be the usual conversations … but it was not

I talked to her at the end of last week, and she was telling me a house 3 houses away from her had a “gathering” 😮 but she didn’t know why and was shocked they would have people over.

Not smart… but she text me today with what happened.

She said 36 year old woman, a hospital administrator, mother of a little girl… passed away in her sleep… she just stopped breathing.

I asked if it was corona? But my girlfriend didn’t know.

They had that gathering because there are no funeral services or things happening at this time – so they did it themselves. 😮 oh wow

She is not sure if will come through my funeral home – but gave me the name.

I’m a little ?? I dunno? Off now

Ok… relax it’s fine … I still have to go to the store. I’m suiting up, I’ll have a mask and my make shift hazmat fashion wear. Whew but I feel very uneasy.

Ok it will be fine – I am just pep talking myself – because I don’t know it will be fine!! Bleh

We don’t know was corona but sounds like it… she stopped breathing … but it could totally be something else ? But my mind is screaming “corona”

Oh boy!! I feel fear today – bleh!!!!

I wanna say I’ll be fine, what’s the worst that could happen… but I could die!!! That’s what could happen!!! I don’t wanna die

Trying really hard to be level headed with this but I’m just scared. I don’t wanna die and I don’t wanna fight for my life … again!! I already did the breast cancer – not doing this!! I don’t think I would survive it if I ever caught it… I watched a medical person explain what it does. I try to stay isolated and positive though. I want it to be ok.

But then also… events in my life that happened, both the good and the bad… were kind of meant to happen? And life works that way …

So ya know, if it’s my time then I suppose it was meant to be.

I just don’t like that fear because I love life – I am not ready to risk losing it.

I don’t wanna go out!!

I have to relax so I can think more clearly and level headed. That’s not working right now

I keep wanting to say “it will be fine, you are gonna be fine” … but I don’t know that.

This is why I stay away from most of the news, and just isolate and do my thing… otherwise I get freaked out…

Can they seriously just airdrop me some supplies??

Ok well… I really don’t have a choice. Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t 🤨

Stupid Coronavirus 😠😢