I’m quiet today? Just in thought. Bleh!!

Beautiful day out – it’s gonna be hot. ☀️ … there is a gentle breeze blowing … enough to whip my hair around without being in a ponytail. So gentle but blowing…

As the day heats up, it will be a hot breeze lol … surround me in that heat ❤️

I say that now … cause we aren’t going over 100 just yet 😄😄 … it is perfect just right now ❤️

But kinda quiet for the most part?? Just a lot on my mind.

I want to umm?? escape in something? Mindwise?

Usually I can escape into music if I can find the right song?

I am drawing blanks on what songs lately?? Which is highly unusual? I never draw blanks with music? But my mind is like a million miles away so ??

Whatever… it will pass. Just being a weirdo.

www.youtube.com/watch

I love that song ❤️ but it makes me miss and think too much. I don’t want to feel that right now…

www.youtube.com/watch

This one helps a tiny little bit… cause I remember it from my childhood. Oh yup … that song did it…

When I was a kid… I the best most incredible mom ever ❤️ my mom was the most loving and gentle person ever – also very hilarious ❤️ lighthearted

She always made sure you were taken care of and felt loved ❤️ … and she made you laugh ❤️ … best mom ever ❤️

When I would be sick… she would always bring me toast or crackers (like saltines) and ginger ale … when I wouldn’t eat, you would know I was feeling better if I ate that.

She would cover me, check on me, put a cold face cloth on my forehead, make sure I took my meds, she would sit with me… I loved those moments ❤️

Sometimes I would be too sick- I could barely open my eyes… she would sit next to me and rub my back or push my hair back and just keep saying it will be ok. It always felt like because she said that it would be. And it was. ❤️

That song reminds me of that ❤️

But then that makes me miss my mom… 🤨 so took my mind away but made me cry cause I miss her – wtf

My mom has Alzheimer’s

She is in a nursing home that has been completely shut down – no visitors in and out – period.

I talk to her … but ya know – I just miss her… I miss my mom 😢😭

So that didn’t work… that made me cry… now I have to find something …

www.youtube.com/watch

This definitely did it… ❤️…

That song by the Black Eyed Peas reminds me of video games lol ✌️❤️ … I cant remember what game it was … I wanna say Sims? ♦️ (my Sim was always exhausted 😄😄✌️)

Anyway… I think of video games ❤️ or maybe was that dance dance revolution? Lol 😄✌️ the kids and I had fun doing that for a little while. Boy did I love that ❤️😄

I used to be a huge gamer … now I just like to watch. You guys went all elaborate and over my head lol… some games I love … I have a type I will play… but anyway… I leaning off subject … yay took my mind ❤️

Also… because I was a gamer since fricken pong 🤟 I miss you Radio Shack!!! Lol

And then Atari ❤️ … Nintendo… PlayStation… Xbox … yeah full love of video games … I like to watch my kids play ❤️ occasionally I will moan and groan because I just wanna watch.

You controls are … “I have to push what? What am I doing?” Lol I play though … if they can get me to play a competitive game … I don’t like to lose and one child in particular wins every single time!! So much so… that your dreams of ever winning again are zilch lol 😄✌️

When that child asks to play something – all of us moan lol… cause we never win… ever … we get slaughtered by that one kid lol

That would be my oldest lol… he will be 26 😮 Oh my god! I have a man child 😳😮 that just blows my mind every time I think of that… whoa 😮 … I made that ❤️✌️

Anyway… maybe I should mention – his very first ever memory he says…

Is laying in his crib and hearing the Mortal Combat theme song … when he hears that theme song he thinks of being in his crib all those years ago 😄😄😄

Oh ok that makes me laugh 😄❤️ ok … and that my friends – is a look inside my mind lol … or how works anyway… whatever

I do have a million things on my mind though. 🤔 bleh.

www.youtube.com/watch

I’m sorry – but that’s just funny 😄❤️❤️❤️

Yeah – that’s enough heat and sun for today – all done. lol … can’t take anymore – we came in awhile ago

Anyway… yeah I loved my golf course job – best most fun job ever in the world!! And they paid me to do that ❤️ … paid me when I loved my job!!! Ok

I got to be outside literally all the time… rain sucked because I didn’t get to work 🤨 began to hate rain lol …but outside in California weather ❤️ shorts or miniskirts always … but cute – season accommodating – and I know how to layer cutely…

In winter I would bundle up with several pairs of leggings or whatever … shirts, sweaters jackets … lots and lots of clothing!!! 🤨

Oh yeah and another HUGE bonus and slam dunk to the job… my headphones were always in my ear… I got my music or baseball constantly while riding around…. I would shuffle through my playlists, listen to current games … except when attending to a customer… then I got to laugh and tease and tell jokes ❤️ was awesome!!

Everyone smiled and still smiles to see me… I try to hide though… I dunno – I just wanna be under the radar for little while… not really social again just yet

So yeah? I was in heaven – what could be better? The whole job was amazing ❤️

Anyway… sorry to be a downer – I had to give that up when a lot of things were happening, and I got diagnosed with cancer and had surgeries so whatever …

Totally miss ❤️

So for dream job … what are we talking ??? As in happiness ??? Yes that one with those people ❤️

Ok well I have to go… I haven’t had time to read too much today!!!

www.youtube.com/watch

❤️✌️

Ok… so I responded to country boy 😳 lol … I kinda laid it out 😳

Women huh?

I just had to… he messaged me again this morning…

So… I just said…

You mean a lot to me. You helped me through things that were really hard, you took me away and gave me peace – I appreciate that very much and will always hold that dearly. I’m just not ready for sex, I know by saying that you can walk away again. I went through a lot… I isolated after my last surgery, and when you walked away it broke my heart and I isolated more. I can’t go through that hurt again so I just wanted to be honest with you on where I am. When you texted that, I just felt that twinge of pain again, so if you walk away I would rather you do it now… I don’t want any games and I don’t want pressure, I just want to be honest with you… I want something and if you don’t want that, I understand. My silence last night was not meant in a bad way – I just needed to think about what I wanted to say. So anyway, feel free to say what you need to say also.

I just sent that, and I probably won’t hear from him for awhile or if at all? We see

Why does it feel like another punch in the gut?? Whew – bleh

I do NOT like severe emotions

But if he can’t understand where I am then ya know – isn’t meant to be.

And as far as sex goes… absolutely I miss it… hell yeah… you have no idea how much I miss it… but I’m afraid… there is a lot to be afraid of. I need time. I want to be secure not afraid. I find peace by myself cause I can’t be hurt that way??

And don’t forget ya know the scars and stuff … no one has seen… and it’s very emotional and private to me. Not that it’s not beautiful it’s just the emotions attached to that. Once I get over that hurdle I be fine… but I want someone really special for that – it can’t just be anyone.

So I don’t know. It does feel like another punch in the gut. I don’t like this.

So… what will be, will be. We see.

I don’t have much energy for these emotions 🤨😢 … this is NOT balance

I see why I guard myself. Bleh. I just feel so many emotions rushing in, with everything. Bleh 😝 I don’t like that.

My heart feels heavy today. I don’t have any expectations and I had to lay it out. Still hard though – bleh… it’s important to me though so if he can’t understand that – then I would rather have him walk away. ✌️

www.youtube.com/watch

I have so much on my mind tonight.

I am trying to learn something, and I kind of have a grasp but very loosely. So I keep thinking and trying to hold on to that grasp… I think I can see? … yes I am being cryptic. I don’t wanna say, cause I haven’t learned yet. So we see

And then … I have something I feel REALLY strongly on… I wanna say something… I do have the freedom of speech… so I could do that. Censoring myself for the moment. I will think of my words, and may just keep to myself anyway – cause what’s that gonna do? What a mess

Whatever

Country boy texted me… so I feel pressure there tonight too… he said something about coming over when this is over … ok no … not happening – that made me “instantly” remember everything and feel that really sharp twinge … nope I don’t want you to come over.

I haven’t responded… I just went silent. It was too much.

I guess I will eventually. I’m thinking of my words. It just hit me wrong. I didn’t like feeling that twinge. So just thinking about my words

So just a million thoughts in my head tonight.

On a bright note… I love the Beastie Boys … I dunno? I just have always adored them ❤️ I love their vibe and the music always – right from the beginning … I miss them

I have all their music in my playlists lol … every single playlist has a song from them. I’ve even snuck a song or 2 into my daughters playlist lol 😄✌️

She doesn’t like them … she calls them “the angry poets” 😄😄🙄 … she always tries to change it when they come on… I beg …please just one song lol

She will usually let me have it. But just one lol

I was thinking oh I should share my favorite song – but I don’t know which one that is??? I have several!!! They just make me smile… and some of those songs have memories of funny things attached to them ❤️

The songs I play the most are…

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I like that one because I dunno? I like the hardness?

I like this one too…

www.youtube.com/watch

I sing that one to the kids when they go to ask me something 😄😄❤️ I love when when I get to do that lol … ahhh parenting joys ❤️😄✌️

This next one reminds me of my boys… I used to play the Beastie Boys constantly when I would be cleaning the house or in the car… once someone came to the door and me and my oldest answered the door… he was maybe 11? And it was some young kid selling magazines – but he was so taken by the fact we had the Beastie Boys playing – he turned to my son and said … you have a really cool mom, she likes the Beastie Boys! Lol … my son smiled and agreed cause yeah – I was/am a cool mom ❤️ lol ✌️

.. and then this song when my 18 was a little boy – in the car he would make me turn it up really loud when they would say “mmmm drop” 😄😄❤️ so I just always remember that ❤️…. even now in the car without them – I still like to turn it up really loud on that moment lol … ❤️

www.youtube.com/watch

Anyway… the only reason I say something is … I went to open YouTube earlier and saw this right up top!!! 😮 it completely took my attention!!!

Awww ❤️❤️❤️ I wanna see this ❤️❤️❤️ can’t wait!!!!!!! …

www.youtube.com/watch

I love how music can take you away ❤️✌️

I grew up mostly on the East Coast… not particularly in one state, just all over the place… and not just the East Coast – “mostly East” but have heavy influences from all over the United States.

Is kinda funny because “I think” I speak normal, but people always say I have an accent – no matter where I go… or who I talk to… some even want to keep hearing me speak 🤨… say this word or this sentence 🤨

That’s only because I have many states mixed in? It’s actually perfect speech lol (kidding) … it’s just a special blend lol 😄✌️

I have that New England accent, mixed with the deep South, mixed with the Great Lakes area, the Midwest and then also the West… lol – I have the country in my speech lol …

I really don’t have an accent – lol … from what I describe you might think so… and people “think” they hear one… but not to me… it’s just many dialects and different words mixed into one lol

Many times people try to guess where my accent is from 🤨 there is no correct answer – you can maybe name a state, and sure maybe lol … but that’s not JUST where it’s from

The most prevalent one would be New England – but in New England, I speak very different than them 🤨 … everything else is thrown in there too – so when I am with my New England people I stick out too, because I don’t speak like them – only some of my words have their influence.

This is what happens when you move a child everywhere lol… they pick up these things

Again, I do not hear any accent whatsoever in how “I” speak… I think I speak perfectly, but it always throws me off when people say “ooohhh you have an accent” or “oh where’s your accent from?” 🤨 … how in the world do I answer that? Umm?? The United States? Can I just be all encompassing like that? Lol

I get that accent thing a lot … I don’t hear it … it’s them not me.

I suppose you wouldn’t hear your own accent though? Can you? There is really no where I can go where it blends in lol … I hear “your” accents but not mine.

One of my friends just called me and said … just talk … I just wanna hear your accent 🤨 what? Lol

Funny but whatever.

There is not a song about accents lol… so I went with this one – I kinda love this song … and at the time they hit it big… I was in Massachusetts and in High School … they were from one town over… our rival high school – but was cool… I don’t know what ever happened to them… this was their one big song … I like “More than words” ❤️✌️

www.youtube.com/watch

Well I am overcast and chilly this morning! 🤨 My forecast says sunny – where is my sun?? It also says my high today is only 68 🤨… when can I put away my winter clothes?! Oh my god! 2 sets of clothes out is taking up so much room!!! Big bulky winter clothes and …well ok, my summer clothes don’t take up much room lol 😄✌️

But still brrr… for a California person who gets spoiled with a small taste of warmth… yes I’m cold… right now is only 51!! And windy!! I don’t wanna turn my heat on. Brrr

Oh well – I’m just cold and without sun at this moment.

I have a girlfriend who is ??? all about dating usually… she was texting me last night because she dumped some guy she was dating.

She always lectures me about giving a chance but then I get to hear this stuff lol … I’m kidding I don’t mind listening.

I knew this guy was not right for her… they don’t live together or anything… they were just dating.

I would say she is a serial dater – goes through guys like water 😮 I don’t know how she lives so umm?? Fearless with that?? Oh my god! There is no way I could do that.

I try to figure out how her fearlessness works… but I have no idea because then she tells me about what she goes through and the break ups – oh I just can’t do that!!! I am not that type.

She is completely opposite of how I am. Where she is fearless – I have fear … but in areas I am fearless – like laughter or being outgoing… she has fear?? Weird huh?

You know what it is? She does not take the time to know a person before she jumps!!! She just jumps 😮😄

I don’t even stick my big toe in lol

I have to know the person I’m dealing with and I have that trust thing… I wanna be at ease – the way she does would give me a heart attack everyday!!

Anyway… she was upset because she broke up with this guy… but I guess when she did that, he went off on her. (All of this was done through text)

She is stuck on his words ?

He wasn’t right for her though – I didn’t like him. Right away I got a bad vibe with him, and then his lack of communication and respect – yeah I didn’t like him lol

I told her “look let me interview them for you” lol 😄😄 I only tease because I’m so hard on that stuff and she is not… I could interview and if they pass by me – they golden lol ✌️😄 good luck lol (again I only tease, kinda, cause that would work better lol … maybe? I am hard)

She has massive emotional swings!! Yeah I don’t want that!!

In the beginning, she’s all completely enamored by some guy… and all she talks about is whoever it is and how amazing he is or looks… ok whatever – I just listen.

But she’s excited and happy and pours her whole self into it. Lol

I keep telling her – no see who they are first!!! She just loses herself in a man. 🤨

Ok so perhaps my perception is jaded or cautious – however you wanna say it… yes!!! Because you should be cautious!!!

So then after her extreme happy “honeymoon” phase… it starts to cool off …

Then I forever hear about what’s going wrong, what his problems are 🤨 all of it… and when I say “all of it” – I MEAN ALL of it!!! I get to hear all about their sex life 🤨😝 and everything!! Oh my god! She does not hold one thing back!! Not one!! Lol whatever – again I just listen

I am a lot more private. Like night and day lol … you will never have to hear me speak about my sex life (or lack there of) lol ok maybe a little, cause I just said that ✌️ … but I am just severely private in some areas – no one needs to know if I am freaky or not lol (totally kidding but serious at the same time)

Not her lol … Oh my god! Even on the phone she turns my face red lol whew ok

See I don’t even need to date lol… I’ll just listen to her do it lol

Anyway… so she has the extreme happiness, then that wears off… issues come to light…

And then the final dump 🤨

Oh my goodness… the dump is the worst cause she does not handle well… even if she does it!!

Sometimes she will be completely devastated or like in this case …

She dumped him … but he said mean things on exit and now she’s obsessing over his words.

If a man can’t handle a break up like a gentleman – and be mature – not worth the time of your thoughts… sorry I don’t play … not worth it… next

Anyway… I think the emotional highs and lows she has – IS FROM DATING!!!! Yeah I’m not doing that!!

I like my life nice and balanced … I like peaceful. I don’t wanna have to deal with crap.

I am open-ish lol… to giving a chance maybe? Lol… but I dunno – I want peaceful and I want ?? I just don’t want crap

I know nothing is ever perfect, but I do know what’s right for “me” … I need slow, I need to know someone – I need to know I’m not going to be hurt and I need to know they have a good heart. I severely pay attention to how someone is, how they act… not just right away… cause guy will put on fronts to try to impress – nothing repels me more than when you TRY to impress me… relax don’t do that, I’m not that type of girl… I just wanna see who you are normally.

If you take your time, then you get to see who someone is, and your choice is smarter. For me anyway. I don’t want blinders on, I’m not fast… I don’t wanna see a mask – I wanna see who someone truly is.

She is opposite of me and runs right into the fire 🔥 … I run away from the fire and grab the hose lol

It doesn’t take her long to get right back in the game.

I just want quality over quantity.

She wonders why she can’t find quality… because my dear – that is rare. Like buying a lottery ticket … you get all excited – I’m gonna win this time!!! … as they draw the numbers, you are let down as none are yours lol… and then you are sad you didn’t win. Same thing.

Instead invest that money – take your time, learn what is best for you, see what options are – invest the time, let it grow… see ??? Smart lol

Whatever. I’m just different than her… and I certainly don’t want emotional rollercoaster 🎢 – I am way too old for that lol (seriously though)

But ya know – I guess she enjoys it lol … so whatever – whatever floats your boat – be happy!

I’m glad she dumped this guy though – he was a jerk (and I’m only being polite – not the word I want to use)

She might go crazy in isolation now though so we will see lol … oh well … I will just listen ❤️✌️

www.youtube.com/watch