I’m doing better. Just had to absorb all that today. I am going to lose her at some point though.
I don’t think I can prepare for it? It’s just gonna hurt.
Anyway… my son texted and wanted to play poker for a little while – I haven’t told the kids yet… I will end up crying cause it’s my mom, so I will wait, was too much to say anything tonight … he took my mind away for little while, and didn’t even know that. ❤️ sometimes you don’t know what people go through. He made me feel better ❤️
Anyway… I guess I’m still little upset? I dunno – today just made me realize I better be prepared for this. I will have to keep a grip through this.
That’s a big reason I love life in between… cause I know there are gonna be really big hits in life … I want to enjoy any good moments I can, while I can. ✌️
Anyway… I have some photos of my beautiful mother ❤️… I’m little in these… she is young here – still just as beautiful ❤️thought I would share… I am very lucky they took so many pictures ❤️ time is frozen
Me and my mom ❤️… I could do more recent photos but that would show me – and I’m not there … maybe some day? But for now I do these…
Yeah this will be hard. I can’t imagine life without her?
I want to keep her forever. But that’s just not how it works. I can’t have that.
I have my emotional side that doesn’t wanna lose her and wants to keep her forever!! It makes me cry. I don’t wanna let go. I love her. ❤️
And then my realist side … ya know, this is life… how goes. These are your cards. You are gonna have to let go, you have no other choice. Suck it up and deal. 🤨
Crap… this should be on my list of very very unhappy things!!!
I don’t like the emotional side and I also don’t like the realist side – but they are both there. They both suck though – I don’t want the emotions, they hurt… and then the realist side also sucks ass!! But I guess, it also helps me cope. Cause bottom line, I’m gonna lose her. I just don’t like that.
Ok well … I still have her for now… so I’m gonna enjoy that while I have that… I don’t have that much more time left with her. I want every moment I can before she forgets me and then leaves. God that sucks!!!
My heart kinda bleeds tonight a little bit. Or actually a lot? 💔
I got a phone call today, from the director of my mothers nursing home… she is ok… sorta…
She is getting worse. I knew that was coming
I love my mom very much and I know she’s gonna crush me… I already lost her to Alzheimer’s… she’s gonna forget me and then it’s just gonna be bad… I know it’s coming 💔
It’s hard to brace for that… I just get to lose her constantly 😭💔 like over and over!! It’s like the worst pain you can go through
It’s like… being stabbed in the heart … that’s when you learn the diagnosis…
The knife stays in… and every moment she slips, that knife turns making that cut deeper…
I know that moment I lose her… gonna slice my heart open like a knife. 💔
I am afraid of her death. I try to brace myself cause ya know – I know that’s coming… and I’ve kinda lost her a little now… and as of today, a little more. Time is ticking. Whew ok … I have been through this how many times now?????? It never gets any easier
Dammit
Anyway… I am not sure where I am? Little upset … I might be quiet ?? I’m thinking that? I feel kinda sick … my eyes are teary
I kinda feel like withdrawing? So I dunno – I have to watch it with that. It’s just gonna be a really hard hit … is not any time soon… she’s fine just slipping more into her own mind… she is forgetting basic things – she needs more help. I’m just scared
Like knowing something is coming at you- seeing it… and there is nothing you can do. I am helpless 💔😭
Ok well I’m gonna be quiet for little while… just while I process ✌️ just upset 💔 shhh 🤫
This is life … how it happens I have no choice but to accept it 😭💔 I hate this part
I can be upset all I want – but it’s not gonna stop it from happening… it’s only because I love her so much and I don’t want to lose her and I’m not ready to lose her and I’m really tired of all this!!!
It’s not a shock… that’s not why I am upset … and she’s ok… it’s just she’s slipping out of my life and I’m trying to grasp her?
Just having a moment – I have those too – it’s not all sunshine and rainbows ✌️
I do believe it’s important to be who you are. One of my girlfriends taught me that, made me see that really clearly. I learn alot from her …
She’s very different from me… this is the one I didn’t think I could handle because she is so far outside my ?? circumference? Lol – I am lacking a better word there, but you get the picture? – we different lol
Everything about her is different from me… and vice versa… We are night and day.
Yup we do clash in moments – but our clashes aren’t bad … yes we are passionate about our beliefs, but we also accept and respect each other’s views. She has brought much to my life ❤️
I didn’t think I could handle her because of how she came at me… in a small way I felt like I was being courted? I wasn’t sure lol … she gave me chocolates and made me smile lol ❤️😄
I was really quiet when she came into my life, I was going through cancer and all the deaths, my ex was being brutal… I was just really quiet. Kept to myself.
She came in really fast, lol… I typically do not do that… I need to see who someone is.
Ok well she did that 😳😄… came in all hot and heavy … she laid out all her shit to me right away – boom here it is 😮😳 little bit of a shock to the system lol
But ya know what? I loved that … here she was wanting to be my friend, and she just laid out everything to me
I had to absorb it, because I AM so different than her… she kinda knew that? She laid everything out to me, and then gave me space to process it ❤️ …she stepped back and gave me time, but still let me know she was there
Her stuff would make me panic if was mine. And I have different views than she does.
But ok – here I sat with all her dirty nitty gritty… can I be ok with it?
After I thought about everything… ya know… I don’t have to guess with her. What I see is what I get – period. I love that ❤️
Even I don’t agree or like what she says or does… I still don’t ever have to worry… I know what I get with her – she’s like a breath of fresh air in that way? No matter what it is, she is honest with me ❤️ She also has a strength of steel that is captivating to me??
We talked about those first friendship moments and she said she laid everything out for me because she would rather me know her dirty dirty right away… because if I was gonna run, she would rather that I run right away before she got attached to me. ❤️
That was deep to me. I am a runner… she nailed it… very smart woman… So I like that. That had to be terrifying to lay it out and see if someone can accept it. But also free’ing?
I kinda zone in on things I like about people… or how they operate with things… if I’m impressed by something or like the premise, I will try to learn from that? To enhance myself??
I also do not want to be attached and then find out is wrong… so I kinda lay it out too?? Not really like her – lol… she smacks it down on the table, I gently place it there with humor lol ✌️😄
My things are not like hers? We are different …
For her… she is judged because of her actions and openness? She’s extremely blunt and possibly a little scary lol
I am more?? Softer? Also from like 100 years ago lol ✌️ I feel more like the movie “Blast from the Past”?
I have been hurt so… I am way more cautious with people… where she throws caution to the wind and sees what sticks…
While I am not like that lol… I am still cautious … but I do like that I never have to question her? There is a peace to that ❤️ I don’t even have to think about trust with her because I am comfortable with who she is?
And then on the other side of that… she accepts the way I am too ❤️ I never have to worry there either and I can be free with her… that is soo comforting ❤️
We are there for each other without question!!!!
She’s definitely one of my best friends ❤️ she enhances my life completely ❤️ I am blessed having her in my life!!!
She will be a life long ❤️ I see her as family because of who she is and what she means to me ✌️
Alright so a fellow blogger wants to know what are 7 things that make you happy and why… and 7 things that make you unhappy… as well as… what happiness is to you…
1.) my kids ❤️❤️❤️ – I could count them individually but this way I get more happiness lol ✌️ if you’d like I can explain in detail why they make me happy- but they just simply do – they are my heart ❤️ … my pieces ❤️
2.) My mom ❤️… I am happy that I still have her – I want to keep her… so I’m just happy I can still have her… I can still speak to her – I can still say I love you mom ❤️
3.) My people ❤️ – I have the most incredible people in my life ❤️ I would not have survived… seriously … through things without both the love and support from the people around me. I was lucky in the way… I didn’t die – but I got to see who was really there – and how loved I am… it was humbling … every step through these years – I have my people who have been there ❤️ I love my people… I created my own kind of family?
4.) I am happy I am alive and am surviving so far – kinda proud of myself ❤️ and very thankful. – blessed ✨
5.) It makes me really happy to cherish memory making moments … I like all moments to be awesome and memory making lol… but that’s not always the case. But I like when you can have an ordinary moment and you can just enjoy that. Enjoy and take in a moment?
6.) I am happy when I can be who I am. I am happy at peace and I love being free ❤️ I’m gonna bundle that one too… I want one more happiness lol
7.) Laughter … I need that. I don’t care what kind… sorta – there might be some I find annoying … like the unfunny stuff my kids like lol ✌️… but I need that umm ?? type of release? Has always kept me alive? Yeah deep like that – I am happy with laughter ❤️
I am also really happy when you let me do whatever I want lol ✌️😄… so I will take “happiness liberty” and go ahead and add a number 8… or I guess actually, 8 and 9 because letting me do what I want is a HUGE happiness ✌️❤️ this will be ⋕ 8 lol
9.) Music… music can fix your mood usually – you can lose yourself in music, you can go back in time with music, music can perk you up, or cry along with you
How about I just round this out to 10…. ok? Cause I’m just gonna do that 😘✌️- you can’t limit happiness!!
10.) It makes me happy to see someone else happy because of me ❤️
Those make me feel happy because I am living the way I want to ❤️ not hurt anymore
Ok so… 7 things that make me Unhappy 🤨
1.) making a list of unhappy things lol ✌️ – because I have to think of these unhappy things after I was all happy with my happy list lol
2.) Being hit on – I am really uncomfortable … guys don’t know me like that, do not attempt. I am a person. Talk to me like a person, not a piece of meat or an object.
3.) Being sad or suffering is unhappy to me – I hate sadness and suffering. I don’t like to see anyone sad or suffering. 🥺
4.) I am unhappy doing things I don’t wanna do 😄😄 … sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t wanna do, but they ain’t gonna do themselves 🤨 so that makes me unhappy lol ✌️
5.) I am sure there are a ton of things that make me unhappy but I can only think of one really huge one that takes up 5,6 AND 7… so let’s do that, cause it also makes me happy to avoid unhappy things lol ✌️ …
So for number 5,6,&7… my ex makes me unhappy … sorry but yes. He’s awful. I just wanna be left alone so yeah. That one really makes me unhappy ✌️
What is happiness to me? Feeling joy? Feeling love? Feeling life? … dodging the bad shit like a boss ✌️… yeah I’ll go with that for now
It is coming down right now!!! Like torrential …the entire sky lights up and the thunder is almost constant… it is just not quitting! I can’t hear anything cause of the pounding rain and thunder 😮
Not really shakin my windows, but on occasion there be a really earth shaking one… I love those ❤️ …
Is like that firework on the 4th of July or New Years… you know the one that goes up and makes a huge boom in the sky and sets off all the car alarms lol … I like that one, you can feel it in your heart? ❤️
My neighbor text me and say “hey can you come over for quick second?” I finished what doing and ran over really quick – getting soaked, but whatever I was wearing gear lol – still got wet and is chilly but whatever – I’ll go get hot in the shower later…
When I was a kid, my mother used to be crazy with lightening … we were not allowed to talk on the phone or take showers 😮 she was afraid we be electrocuted 🤨🙄 so I was not allowed to shower or take a bath while a storm was happening 🤨… or talk on the phone (was before cell phones when we only had landlines 🤨)
One time 🤨… we had a massive thunder and lightening storm… we were all in the kitchen…
The lightening hit the electrical box on the side of the house and for one split second you could see a quick blue electric flash come zap out of the outlets 😮 blew the electrical
Well ever since then 🤨 … even now 🤨… if you call her and either you or her is having a thunder and lightening storm, she doesn’t wanna talk lol 🤨😄… sometimes I still call her during one, just hear her tell me why again ❤️ …
She says my name a certain way when I do that 😄❤️❤️❤️ I kinda love that
Anyway… if this stops … I can go shower 🤨… it’s not that I think I will be electrocuted or anything … 😄✌️… just ya know, I’m gonna listen to my mom 😘✌️ I just think of that ❤️ (some thing’s just stick 🤷♀️)
Also… it chilly and torrentially raining… so I decided to make soup 🥣… whatever … so I just started throwing stuff in and didn’t really pay attention at all… vegetables and stuff… couple seasonings …
Well it ended up making my house smell amazing … and then Oh my god! It was insane crazy delicious 😋…
But I will have to remember how I did that. I was not paying attention at all… I wanna do that again lol ❤️ was perfect
Anyway neighbor called me over because she got her Bluetooth speaker and didn’t know how to connect it lol
So I gave her lesson, not sure how that went lol… she was like oh ok… but then had that look like she will never remember what I just said lol
So I’ll probably have to tell her again lol
It is crazy raining Oh my god! Just beating on my windows 😳😮
I wanna take a shower so bad but I just don’t want to yet lol 😄✌️ just a quirk lol – I’ll wait … I do take my chances on the phone though 😄✌️
I get kind of excited with storms – what I don’t like is when they tell me a storm gonna be bad and it isn’t 🤨 … I get all excited for the excitement and they be wrong…
But the clouds started coming in…
My phone keeps texting me…
⚠️ Flash Flood Warning ⚠️ – do not drive through water 🤨😄 … it feels the need to tell me not to drive through water evidentially lol … as if don’t already know this!!!
Started lookin nice and fierce ❤️ and the lighting was not in a streak but lighting up the clouds like they were a strobe light for a second lol … and then the thunder started cracking…
I like when the thunder starts out as a small rumble and then in a split second just booms ❤️ that is my favorite thunder!
It’s still not ferocious ?? But sky is opening up
I tried to capture the thunder – this was before it got really good, but the rain started coming so I took my wuss ass inside lol ✌️
Right now the sky just opened the F up 😮… you should see how big the drops are 😮 and it’s just coming down.
Ok fine lol … I’ll believe the warning now lol 😄😄 funny how that works huh?
Flash flood in California in May? What? Nah – get outta town – that’s not gonna happen
Oh look maybe it happens 😄✌️ we see … usually I don’t totally trust weathermen lol 😄 … especially California ones lol
I still have issues listening I guess lol… is not really listening because I do listen… “believing” is the thing ✌️
Ok whatever – I should get better at that … but sometimes they miss the mark by miles so ya know… when I do believe it goes down like that 🤨😄
I believe we supposed to get some hail too 😮😮😮
Soo woo hoo… bring on the storm… let’s see this flood. Whatchu got Mother Nature?
I am loving the lightening and thunder cracks sooo much ❤️ I wanna be outside so bad!!
This is some awesome entertainment in the middle of May! ❤️⚡️⛈ Sweet ❤️
Flash flood warnings in a little while, it’s raining this morning. The flash flood warning starts at 10am. I’m not worried – whatever. I don’t think it will be bad… it’s May in California – I really don’t think will very bad?
I could totally be wrong – we shall see. But I really don’t see it being THAT bad… so let’s roll that dice and see what happens lol ✌️
I had bought myself a treat at the store the other day… just something little I love … I like the little Dunkin Donut coffees … I usually just buy the coffee and make myself – but I really like those little ones already done for you and cold like ice coffee ❤️…
Right next to the little ones, they had a jug of it lol… when if a little one delights me a little, then a entire jug would be sheer happiness right? Lol … eh not so much lol
I just went to pour myself a nice big glass of what I expected to be exactly like the little ones!! The packaging is exactly the same but in larger form… yeah well my big ass jug of coffee, is all black!!! 😝… I still have to add cream… fine whatever – I’m not buying the jug again. Lesson learned ✌️
Also… so uh… I learn a lot of things as I go along and sometimes I try things I don’t really know very well and hope to learn…
I will usually read up a little, try to understand the function, and if I feel brave – I might dip my big toe in and see how it goes… that way I can pull back really quick if needed.
So I kinda tried something 😮 … I really didn’t think anything would happen? And is just NOT my ?? normal type thing? But ya know, whatever, let me try.
So obviously corona just railroaded us all… ok… so while that was happening… and the stock market crashed, I had already been reading a lot about it.
For Christmas someone gave me a stock in a company that is making “green” vehicles – like fuel cells. I have read up on them, I like what they do… so I kept them. Was a little scary through corona cause it dropped massive through all that… but it has come back pretty stable and strong.
I took a little money and put it in the stock markets when things had hit rock bottom from Corona effects. I just left it there. I have bought a few stocks.
I check on every so often so it doesn’t cause me trouble… and once in awhile I buy another small priced one, once I research it.
I have only invested $200 total, and this morning is up to $700 😮
I almost died when I opened it to check, I didn’t really expect anything when I started this venture… it’s not my thing
So when I opened the account to check on things, I thought ohh that’s wrong – let me reopen it must be a glitch … I am half asleep still … nope not a glitch 😮 … ok now I’m awake lol
It’s not alot… but I am new at this… I had picked stocks that ?? I dunno, most of the time I find a company I like, I read their stats – and if their stats are decent as far as what their debt vs profit is… and they are cheap… and I like them… I will try them. I kinda do homework with it.
I have one sorta big stock, that I got really cheap… and the others all (or “were” all) small ones I got REALLY cheap.
So I guess this is going well then 😮 didn’t really expect much from it cause who the hell knows what’s going on with corona or whatever fight is going on. Also… this is not my area of expertise in the slightest.
So I’m just a little shocked. I guess I do pretty well with it then. 😮 I guess that was a good decision/risk to take at this time period.
I just kinda keep them there and don’t do much except make sure they are not tanking. So far none have tanked. Most I bought so cheap, they aren’t even close to what I bought them at 😮 so.. whoa 😮 little stunned.
So that’s new 😳
Sometimes when I play new games with the kids… they will sit there and tell me all kinds of rules and instructions 🤨😝… just let’s play – I learn as we play… otherwise I hear Charlie Brown’s teacher
I kinda feel like that’s how I am… if is too long and drawn out or boring? I will hear Charlie Browns teacher and mind will go a million miles away… you must keep my attention lol 😄✌️
Also… I like horoscopes and stuff – I just like to read them or like that sorta stuff. It’s entertaining and I’m curious…
Recently I was talking to a fellow blogger about tarot? One of my girlfriends does that too… I’ve never gotten into it… or know too much about it… but I was at work a few weeks ago – as I was disinfecting … I found a tarot deck 😮 lol
So since then, when I take a break… I always try to pull 5 cards and just see … cause I’m curious like that …
I don’t really know what I am doing but whatever … I used to read a website that would pick cards for me… it used to give me bad things …
So during my breaks when I pick those 5 cards – every single time I pick and then go look up… they are all amazingly good cards saying really good fortune lol … I fricken like these cards lol ✌️😄
But I am also a skeptic if too good 🤨 lol… that can’t be right… not that I don’t have good fortune… cause I do, I have really good karma … but these cards were saying was incredible good in all my areas 😮 … even yesterday same thing
I checked that website I used to play with and see what that would give me … and again all good 😮🤨😄
It said I won’t have to worry with money, things gonna get better, and I would find love 🤨😄 that’s where my skeptic comes in 😄…
I can totally buy into… having money come in, things getting better etc… but then it went and added the love lol 😄 … yeah I dunno if I believe that one but whatever – is fun – lighthearted. Just was funny cause I was all into it thinking … ohhh I’m doing well here … and then it said the love stuff 🤨😄😄 umm… maybe wrong person?
I just say that cause I’m really guarded so ya know, that’s not gonna be a easy thing.
So anyway… was just something fun and interesting.
Alright well … I’m stuck inside all day …cause you know, the flash flood thing 🤨😄
Maybe I float somewhere new? Lol kidding … I do not have an ark prepared lol ✌️
That was actually a really good day ❤️ I got a ton done, got appreciated, got a work out kinda lol, and took a load off my shoulders … so yeah pretty awesome day!!
I am finally home, changed and relaxing.
We are still kinda rainy… also tmrw too… tmrw maybe thunderstorms 🥰🙏… we have a flash flood warning for tmrw … from Monday 10am until Monday 9pm they say… 😳
It is never like this… usually we really hot already, and we were maybe last week lol. Huh, so flash flood in May… ok then – bring it!
I am really happy 😃… I feel so much better telling Cop guy is better as friends.
So it’s funny … cause I wouldn’t think that a person would be so happy to be left alone lol … but I am…
It just feels easier? And I like that. I feel calm, not all stressed. No pressure.
Sometimes I wonder… I dunno? I love my peace … I just want peace so… I dunno? What if I love it so much ?
I have a thing with being careful with who comes close to me… cause I’m not comfortable.
Do you see where I’m going with this? What if I love my peace too much, and don’t let people around me? Lol umm… I don’t always wanna be a hermit – only for right now lol ✌️
But I think of those 2 things. But whatever – just saying. ✌️ I am happy for now!
I’m kinda tired, gonna get in bed and read posts. I am always playing catch up!!!
So here’s how it works “here”… right now we on limited opening… just like last week…
We can operate limited services… only 10 people.
The way this area is going to do it… is if your county has not had a Corona death in 2 weeks – you may fully reopen.
This area just had 4 deaths this week so will remain on limited services while slowly reopen.
Also… one of my managers stopped in.. went over some quick stuff re:reopening and also cut backs
And then she went out of her way to tell me thank you 🥰
At the same time I was hired, there was another girl hired at a sister funeral home… I thought she would be better than me because she has funeral experience and I didn’t
But the manager told me… she does nothing lol… the other funeral home was like … ours does nothing but sit there …
And then my manager smiled at me and said when she got to speak she said “we got the good one, she does everything” lol
Cause I disinfect the whole place – I tidy up… I get everything ready for the week, replace all the supplies, answer the phones, take death calls and then anything else they ask or need … most of the time I do before they even ask. I’ve have even been realphabetizing all the paper files … Cause is a job – I wanna work
The other girl, literally does nothing … so my funeral home was all excited cause they got the good one she say lol ❤️ aww – they are really good to me – right away they make me feel like part of them. I fit right in with them. I just eased right in – that’s how I want things always!
Anyway that was nice. She thanked me and said very appreciated 🥰
Ok I have stuff still – am almost done kinda – I have an hour left
I am really tired!!
There was a funny story too, but maybe later – I have to finish, I’m really close ✌️
Learning Life 