The Rainbows 🌈

This was from earlier tonight – about 7pm

The picture does not do it justice… the colors were WAY more vibrant

Reminds you that if you can weather the storms – you will get a rainbow eventually 😉

Anyway – was beautiful 😊❤️

I have no cell service – because this latest atmospheric river – or whatever it is… took down the cell tower in my area – so I only have service if I have wifi

I don’t know how to leave death. I think about it – and think I need to?

It engulfs my life, and while I love what I do, I’m thinking it is time to move forward…

I’m just little afraid of the light

I like the protection I have with death? Isn’t that weird? I feel protected with it 😮

Whenever I take a job – I take it because there is something about the job I aim for, that will remove things I can’t move forward with??

I was a cart girl once a few years ago – was my first pay job other than volunteering.

Someone approached me and asked if I would be interested in being a cart girl … I didn’t know what it was … and so I said I would think about it and let him know… he gave me his card

I went home and googled – I read everything I could find about it… I wasn’t sure because involved both alcohol and men… that made me uneasy because when I got the job I was still in domestic violence … I took it to get out.

I got the job on the spot – I took it because I thought would help me conquer fear – and it did… and it was a paying job with tips.

I hated it at first… cause I was severely overwhelmed with attention… but I thought ok well give it 2 months – if I still hate it I will find something else

At the end of 2 months – I was bringing in alot of money… and it was fun… I laughed all day long and got to play around on a golf course every day

I had wonderful coworkers and it was just a great job – it Re taught me confidence cause I got to talk back… and it allowed me to find my own power … I had a lot of fun, and was amazing job – they actually paid me for that!! It never felt like work cause every day was awesome 👏

I would have headphones in constantly unless I was serving – I have so much music your head would spin – I had playlists for days – I had freedom and greatness

It helped me be assertive ❤️👏

But then I got away from Satan and then my family died, I got cancer and my mother drifts away from me… but it was the cancer that forced me to stop …

I couldn’t with all my surgeries and things – I had to give up my life for little while. they all supported me

I went silent after the final surgery just from all the trauma

Anyway… after all that … immediately after my surgery … I got the job at the school – with kids …

Kindergarten through 12th grade – after losing my family and cancer – I took that job because I loved my kids and I just missed the brightness and thought would be good move. It was perfect – a good job with same hours as my daughters school ❤️ so it worked

That was August 2019. Cancer and loss of family and every day losing my mom – beat me back down just like domestic violence cause took my life again …

I also thought if I worked with kids – I would not be asked out because that is not the place for that – so would be perfect

When I took that job at first – I viewed just as a job … but then the kids brightened my world 🌎 ❤️

Elementary kids take to me always right away …

Junior high is kinda judgmental and harsh lol… I do not miss middle school lol ✌️

And the high school kids – they watched me for like 2 weeks to see how I would react to things. Then they got comfortable with me and my job was to supervise them when teachers took breaks or weren’t around… they would tell me about certain kids – these are the trouble makers watch them

So I did. But they weren’t bad kids – just no one listened to them or treated them like people. It’s a tough age. Not a kid, but not an adult. It can be frustrating… it just takes someone to hear them, listen … people just wanna be respected and heard whatever age they are.

Anyway – those kids had those bright dreams where they gonna take on the world … before the world had a chance to beat them down … their brightness and kindness really brought me back to life

I thought it was just a job – but I didn’t count on them brightening MY life ❤️ I didn’t expect them to bring me back to life…

https://youtu.be/3YxaaGgTQYM

I didn’t make much money at a school so I needed another job and took a weekend job at the funeral home…

I was still with the kids and I would share the journey with them…

I thought a job a lot a funeral home would help me process the loss of my family, because back then I hadn’t yet – they died and then cancer stepped in and I have to give up life, not process things

When I told the kids I was gonna work at a funeral home – they laughed and said I was not the type – just teasing though cause is a creepy thing to a kid lol … plus I have a personality and I am funny… so I didn’t seem like the funeral type? Or what you would think

I wrote the funeral home a letter – telling them how much empathy I had due to experiences I have walked through… I told them they needed me because I was empathetic and hardworking – I did a whole letter.

Immediately they contacted me – I had interview and interview them too lol … and obvious I got the job.

So I would work the week at the school and the weekends at the funeral home… for like 2 weeks … and then Covid hit …

I lost the job at the school because of that… but then that allowed me to work full time because my daughter was now homeschooled and I could work… so I did and it did help me process the losses 😊❤️

It does give me more stable view of death which I have never had before. I don’t take death well – I probably won’t with my mom either ??

I dunno? It’s my mom – so I can’t imagine earth not being able to say I love you or hug and kiss her. 💔

I’m ok if she passes but ya know – heart bleed 🩸

I don’t like that… it hurts too much to lose – but it is life and none of us are immune. When it is your time, it is your time.

So it’s kinda helped me walk through my own death and to help others is also healing – or more so that I can focus on your things and not mine lol ✌️😘

So death became my world and during Covid – I still worked and drove on deserted highways – I would always think of this song when I would have the highway to myself:

https://youtu.be/S7b8ADhadJU

I loved having highways all to myself – I knew it would just be a moment … and death hid me and gave me peace … took away a certain aspect of fear

Built me way up – gave me the chance to do that… everything lined up just perfect for me to stand up ❤️ not be crushed

Death helped me survive through all this.

https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0

It held my hand while making me stronger

I’m strong now lol … I always have been – I survived domestic violence with comedy – believe it or not – that’s why I am funny – it saves my life always ❤️ laughter is best medicine – that is why that’s a saying 😉

But yeah – I have confidence, brightness, humor, strength and spirit … which is double edge sword cause I still look like a cart girl but in funerals and with a sense of humor and spirit lol …

So the funeral part just makes me intriguing to men and then add everything else and it’s a problem always

I liked being married cause it protected me from that, but was not good for me.

Death protects me – but I’m not sure if is good for me? I love to help with people and it gives me outlet to do that for someone else – and I know the emotions

I keep balance … sorta not really lately

I’m already overwhelmed with attention and I still hide with death and use that to get out of anything lol 😘✌️ but the losses and death do drain you and ya know – “corporation”

https://youtu.be/lcIK3akktLU

I am a little nervous to get another job – which I am sure – would be wonderful! And would only enhance my life in regards to my next step and next chapter

I think it would be good for me to move on – I just have been out of light and hidden away and have had peace for so long – I’m afraid to lose that 😮

I’m probably just comfortable in the one are that held my hand through things, kept me safe and let me survive. Funny to view death like that… it has a grip lol

I don’t know what I want – it’s a lot of pressure and not much money. And maybe it’s time?

I think about what would I be good to turn to now? Lol

It has to be something I will love, maybe something to inspire growth?

It can’t be anything I could run into my ex with… nope 👎 so there would have to be a level of safety and being hidden – I like that and want that. Behind the scenes so you don’t notice me lol ✌️

I can’t do full on public that will make me absolutely go silent – I already know

https://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4

My silence isn’t darkness … it’s just pulling back for safety – is not dark

Funerals are public – but you aren’t paying much attention to anything else other than the pain or grief – so I am safe and can do that. Sometimes you notice me because of the appreciation from helping walk through that – that I don’t mind ❤️

So anyway – I don’t know what I want to do if I were to leave ? What do I need help with now?

Well I guess attention but I don’t want that – I like peace … always have

What could I love now? What do I need now?

I could not be a nurse or a caregiver – that would kill me to lose people I would know – so no on that 👎

What would I be ok with?

I like being hidden away… i got really comfortable with that

I suppose I need to not be so hidden …but I feel like I need that. 🤷‍♀️

I do worry about too much attention making me silent … the attention thing is always an issue

So silence … maybe that? How I fix that? 🤷‍♀️ I do not know 😮

Usually life will push me eventually … cause I drag my feet with change lol ✌️😄😘

And I do like peace, job security and being hidden

But ok maybe silence I fix? That’s the biggest snd I really don’t know that I want to tackle that?

https://youtu.be/EcXT1clXc04

That silence thing will be tough battle 😮 it’s NOT something I can control … too much attention and too overwhelmed together – oh yes silence – I have zero control over it – It just “IS”

So what would fix that in terms of a job – I do not want to be all accessible … I do not want attention and I do not want to speak to anyone – I do myself. I’ll fix my own self

I just don’t know how to fix that area yet… do I want to? I don’t know… I don’t mind the silence – it helps me be safe and ok

So I’m thinking 🤔 I’m not sure,

Ok well I’m not sure I even want to post this …but whatever – you probably already know most anyway

But what could make me get over silence? I don’t want to be too loud!! I like the silence – I want to be little careful with it

What is the next rainbow? Am I ready? I do not know – death has a way of always keeping me ?? But then I also have history of that – which is not always good thing. I am loyal if I love so and death always has a way of making me stay

I’m just not sure

Anyway…

I had a good day it rained all day

I only mention all this because I saw ad for my old golf course for the cart girl and made me remember ❤️ and think what I want and what be ok?

Ok I need sleep – gnite 💋✌️

https://youtu.be/egX9N8yOgaU

6 thoughts on “The Rainbows 🌈

Add yours

  1. i used to be a personnel profiler in the 90’s for a recruitment firm in London, in essence l was a headhunter.

    Perhaps the answer Trisha is to NOT leave the funeral profession directly but to look at a side step in the industry? How are you with learning new things? I should imaggine you excel at it with things you love and have passion for – with the expertise you currently have – is this there not something that you can combine all the skill sets you have?

    i mean just on this post alone you are displaying a wantingness to give back to people especially those at a loss and with loss and working with children – have you ever thought about a career path in counselling?

    You have the emapth side to a tee and you are both a motivator and a listener and consoler and from the golfing days you are a people person, you make people feel very comfortable.

    Would you have enough experience to actually become maybe a funeral director? Maybe a celebrant? Perhaps it is NOT a move away from this industry but finding a newer location and vocation and approaching it with the motion to make a professional higher management career choice with?

    The next step, move or rainbow is yours for the choosing, but maybe it is not a million miles away from where you are already.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I do not want to be a funeral director… and I do not want to embalm… I don’t want to be celebrant …

      I want admin. I am good at admin … but I do everything anyway… I am just feeling really burnt out – they keep piling on more and more things because we can’t find anyone else to help… people see how much we are paid, and how much work there is

      I can not single handedly handle

      I won’t be able to stay because there is a point that I am getting burnt out and I won’t be able to afford to stay. 😮

      I need raises – have not had one in 2 years but run an entire location – I make very very little.

      My corporation is known for that… sometimes when searching for help – I will find some great resumes … but when I call they ask who I work for… when I say … sometimes the response is nope no thank you.

      There are no holidays, or weekends, I have something like 180 sick days cause I can’t be sick

      So yeah little burn out. I also can not take care of my own things because when am I gonna do that? I am always working

      And don’t say take a sick day because who’s gonna handle it? It’s an entire location and I barely have staff – the demands are intense

      It does burn you out

      And this location is up the hill… so we are part of my old area of responsibility but so far away and out of the area – we are just left – not given support and help needed – and this was a problem location – I fixed that!

      But it’s alot- I am burning out mainly because not paid much and so much work with no support

      I love helping the families but at what cost to me? I do not have the time or staff to handle my own things 😮

      I love the location very much… and I love working there

      But I can’t afford it in terms of pay or time, not to mention work load

      My numbers are up and cases been pouring in, they pile more things for me to do when I can not handle what we already have

      So yeah having little burn out from the industry…

      There are families who make it all worth it – and I love to help them… so I stay

      But I’m exhausted all the time and my time is not my own.

      Even on my days off – I work

      There is no work life balance so that is where it is burning me out

      Sometimes I think to self – do not become a customer 😮 just cause so much stress

      I do not make much more than fast food – I could quit and go do that, take maybe a dollar or 2 pay cut and less responsibility and my time back. But I don’t want that… I like making difference and I work hard to take care of this location because I love this area

      My kids even worry about me with this job. They do not like the way it is engulfing my life, and I’m not supposed to have this level of stress due to cancer so that is also a worry.

      They also think the company takes advantage, which they do

      I want admin… I want to be able to do my own job – not 10 other jobs too, and with inflation … I can’t afford this level of stress or time.

      I couldn’t even take a second job

      ** burnt out **

      The company always says “families families families” and yes… totally … but they don’t make sure their own family taken care of

      I am ONE person. At what point is it worth your own life?

      Like today / I could use a day off really bad but I can not – impossible

      I have to go though – I be back later 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Okay, then look at admin jobs. But one thing for sure Trisha, is l know it must be hard for you to switch off and guilt rules a large part of your day, but maybe it is time to take a sick day and stop feeling so guilty about it.

        I am ex corporate workaholic, so l don’t say take a sick day lightly , but l am also the survivor or three majot physical breakdowns through work pressure – so l understand when you say to yourself who else is going to do it? BUT, it’s not your responsibility to take on the burdens of the world.

        If you are looking for quiet administration roles or secretarial types of work and you don’t want to take on board a second job, then you are going to have to unshackle yourself completely from the industry of death and get back into the hustle bustle of the real world of noise and people again. Society.

        If death is something you want still in your life – then look at a different company perhaps.

        There are many really good administration type choices – ranging from legal to real estate, from financial to academic. Business to database administration – those six are the highest paid industries and those are always seeking administration staffing.

        Good quality administration staffing is still in as much demand today as it ever was – corporates, public sector and private secotor alike are all screaming out for staffing.

        However, if you are on the abyss threshold of this as in leaving the industry you are in, then you have to find something completely different from what you are used to, buy yourself some seriously good social masks, mask up and get back into the brunt of the society that os so much of a drain on so many people.

        Quieter administration jobs could be found in accountancy, librarian, archives, science and labratory, publishing houses … or train to take on board a totally new career path and choice 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s not guilt… I just don’t want people to suffer, cause I know how that is…

        And if I were to be sick they would still blow me up anyway – someone always needing or asking for me

        I don’t know what I want yet, the right thing will come or happen

        Also don’t forget I am still a mom and trying to balance that too

        I do not want legal – I don’t believe in the justice system… or lawyers or doctors

        Real estate nope also takes your life

        I want something I believe in and can work hard for and have a life too

        Is ok – I’m just venting over what I want and what worth ✌️

        There is a way to keep employees and there is a way to not

        But is hard cause I don’t want families to suffer and be left with what??

        Ok I really have to go I respond better later ✌️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you for taking the time to think about my dilemma and respond with support ❤️

        I would love library or archives – that would be fascinating

        I just have a lot of funeral and death connections

        Yes there is a demand like you say… but some want associates or bachelors degrees which I do not have

        Plus you have to know someone

        A second job is impossible for the amount of work I currently have

        It’s not guilt that stops me from leaving ?? Guilt of what?

        I just do not want people to suffer, I do love what I do!

        And you say not my responsibility to take on the burdens of the world … and not of the world – but I work very hard at what I do and I feel like this location was set to fail due to severe lack of support and help.

        My name is on that home and I do not want to let families down in their most vulnerable moments … but seeing how corporation does and operates – how it burns people out trying to get whatever they can out of them without paying them what worth… we are strong in our jobs and respected yet corporate doesn’t care

        I’m not gonna wait around hoping one day they treat us well… track record says no

        In the 3 years I have been there – I have watched mass exodus’s several times 😮😮

        I have watched them lose incredible people! I see why 😮

        But is good – life is pushing

        Time for change

        Like

  2. Someone just reposted a NM listing for (baby) bear huggers.

    I don’t know what you need but it seems like a family businees ot startup would be good ideas for the smaller work group.

    Good luck figuring out your next move. I hope Life shows it to you soon!!

    Liked by 1 person

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