I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

Sunday was nice chill and relaxed – plus I acted adult…

I had convo with guy… but it not go as I expect ??

I lay out everything … my mother, that I am still a mom raising a child, that I work all the time and am exhausted … that I do not typically have time to be running around having fun lol omg

I steal moments when able… and also I not used to someone around my life… I pour into work and kids – and my mom

And there are sometimes I am just quiet – I am soaking in peace that’s all – just let me lol – I’m just gonna need that.

Also I am sensitive to way others treated and want to make sure good person

But he apologize and then say however I want it he is fine with – he can be patient for me he say … he say he really like me and want to keep having adventures with me

He say that he love the connection we have and enjoy spending time with me. Loves life when with me, and then ya know he speak of life

That is what trips me up – life

I in death so much that life is glimmer – I forget life because focused on death … so he makes me remember and think about it in different perspective

He is definitely on another wave than I am, he is closer to the end than I am- so he want to fit it all in as much as possible, as much as he can before it’s over

That strikes a chord with me so I dunno 🤷‍♀️

I dunno

I don’t know what I think?


He say he broke up with ex because she always thought he up to something or accuse him of something…

Yeah well I don’t play that game cause if I even suspect you done! No questions asked – I not dealing with shit. If you gonna be a man, then be an actual man – don’t be a boy – I leave so fast you won’t know what happened – not dealing with that shit so because how you do

And if you start to accuse me or add any pressure of that kind to me – fuck that shit – I’m out – be secure … be grown up

If you weren’t so fast you wouldn’t have to be insecure

I don’t fuckin play games so careful as you step up

And I kinda feel like he just insecure I gonna play games cause he say that

Also … if you knew me and knew my life then you would not have reason to be insecure – if you gonna move fast then yes – maybe you should be insecure

And yes I say that too.

He say he be patient and when I can fit him in he be happy with that.

Ok sooooooo 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I do have fun yes… is just chill easy fun – hasn’t really been pressure until we came back and he’s all head over heels omg

Alright so what you think ? How would you handle? What is your view? I have too many thoughts to sort

Otherwise I do nothing today – just have peace – my house is clean, everything is done ✔️… I catch up on sleep and speak to few friends ❤️ I be lazy 🙌❤️ ahhhhh in my new bed all day long … getting up for food nibbles lol … really awesome Sunday in that aspect – my day of rest ❤️

I catch up on sleep today!! Should last me for the week 🙏🙏

Ok so Monday is tmrw – I know something will come at me. Alright – cmon Monday – let’s see… just don’t kill me 🙏

Ugh Monday bleh


21 thoughts on “I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

Add yours

  1. This line of yours here, his response, is the line that worries me – to some it would read as a nice patient line – but it doesn’t sit right.

    “He say he be patient and when I can fit him in he be happy with that. ”

    He lives his life to a certain speed, so sitting and waiting patiently doesn’t make sense. If he can do that WHY was he so speedy anyway?

    In the past l have shared connections with people and l have loved being in their company – as friends – first – but l have got to know them second to see if the connection was a deep seated connection or just a flight of fancy connection. We meet people all the way through our lives and we can share connections or moments with many of them, it doesn’t mean we are buddies for life – sometimes it just means we are buddies for then.

    You both had a great time and HE was making all the right moves, but the moment you come bacl from adventure one he is like a pouncing cupid declating his love for you? Like say what?? That’s not the sign of a patient man, that’s the sign of a man who wants everything in life there and then.

    Maybe, the answer is to simply be friends and go from there – BUT another thing is the age thing bothers you, most likely because of your job. Sure he might be young at heart, you are young at heart and that is a very appealing trait. Suze has that or did, then the cancer took it away from her and l had to really push her and motivate it back to her again, it took time, but her younger spiritness is back – she is a naturally young at heart person, l think you are too. I am a fun loving person but not always a young at heart person and there is a difference.

    I know you will be, but l think you have to 1] be careful and 2] decide if you simply want friends or maybe something more in the future 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah I’m not sure how that sits with me either ??

      He say because he understands I am younger and in middle of life ??

      But he is willing to do whatever takes if I will see him 😳

      I think he got ahead of himself and then since he not know me at all – he be insecure??

      He say it hard to find such good connection and I am not dramatic

      Of course I not dramatic – I only want peace

      Mine went away with cancer too… it was other peoples kids at that school before Covid that gave me breath of life back ❤️ was them who lift my spirit after cancer ❤️

      I am different than before though / I do have that silence and need for peace

      But my excitement of life is back and I do cherish that – I see so much death so my view is different with it …I know how precious life is

      Yes I am young at heart – which keeps me seemingly young? Ish lol

      Oh yes – I careful! Definitely cautious

      I don’t know?? I have not had anyone in my life in long time – I just need time – I will take time

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Of course it’ll take time and l remember something you said once before that made me very aware of you and your needs but your common sense too, which was ‘I am not a stone’, none of us are, but life and ageing and seeing people makes us – even the fun loving ones or the young at hearts at times – cynical and trusting people can be harder than before we became cynical.

        Time is what you need and good friends, understanding frinds be those people you have just met or people you know already, time is the best healer [next to sleep hahaha]

        So good friends, time, fun and and maybe something, someone might come into your life that is like Goldilocks porridge – just right. But that can take time or the right time 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hahaha yes!! This Porridge is little cold

        Not just right yet lol

        Yes I very aware of self and others

        It just takes me time to think through and I think, as well as, it has to feel right too – I also have to really want and be ok with – I can’t do that so fast.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yeah I know… I’m not totally sure how sits with me on whole thing ??

        I dunno I thinking through still?

        I am just uneasy when someone come at me too fast too soon.

        And this a lot to have come at me so fast 😮

        And I don’t know if I am ready for someone to be in my life ??

        Yeah I have to think lol ✌️ when I find time lol 😘

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I guess??

      I’m not sure how I even feel about that whole thing lol

      I questioning too much and I don’t know if I can have someone in life right now? I dunno? I have a lot going on

      We see

      I have talk but I not sure what think about it

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As much as you have described him, he is closer to end. So he is more free and ready for adventure.

    But that’s not the case with you. Not even close.

    My two cents is that don’t commit to it. Because very different world. Just my opinion if you want to think about.

    Always do what your heart and mind says. Do what’s best. No pressure. 🙏🏽🙏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly.

      I kinda get the feeling that he wanna just run around and just do fun things – which I get and sounds great…

      But… I don’t really have luxury of alot of time for that – and I know life is ticking – but I build a lot

      I have travelled and done many fun things in my life

      He entices me with life and fun…

      Which is great, but I still building and I have a lot

      I kinda want something just easy and peaceful not something I go over and over in my mind or overly question

      I like my mind on my work and kids … a relationship would be the heart… so I dunno that it is there? Or want to be there?

      We are definitely in 2 different places. He fitting all the fun in his life … and I have good life but I have focus still too!

      I don’t think I am ready yet and I don’t think this is right?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My point is he that he wants to do more in life now that he is at that stage as you mentioned. So he can do that. Not same for you.

        So if you commit yourself with him and then won’t be able to have fun with him which he might want, he will have a big regret that he spent the later part of his life like that.

        He isn’t a bad guy. Nope. But just in a different lane. Just my opinion.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes he is in completely different lane

        He is NOT understanding my job currently. I dunno if he think is just regular job? But is not.

        I work hard hours and long hours… for me – I am in the grind all day long – I have literally zero time to be handling personal things – so unless someone on fire… no

        And also … my job is mental and physical … so when I come home I am just wiped! Exhausted!

        I have my daughter this week so I come home to be mom and spend time with her – I only have few years left with her…

        And then of course – my mum ❤️ …

        I tell him all that… but I dunno if is real to him or he just not respectful of?

        I would love nothing more than to gallivant around having all kinds of fun … of course – you live life

        I work so hard, I do not want to miss experiences in life

        But I work hard for my job and the position I am in – I love my job so I not willing to lose that… and I am a mom ..

        I’m sorry he not gonna be number 1


        I would have no problem with someone being my love, or companion yes I would love that!

        But person gotta be chill and let me be me. Not push me

        I hate when life pushes and omg even more when a man pushes – as if lol ✌️😘

        But I don’t think he understanding my life?

        I have a lot of pressure and things … if over text me then I kinda get stressed even more – which I don’t want in my life

        I don’t feel he secure and obviously he have more time than me, and his time is ticking louder than mine

        It’s just reminding me why I just throw into work and keep to self

        It feels very suffocating to me… I can not give the time he want

        I tell him that and he say he be patient for me and he can wait 🤨

        And then at work when all my shit blowing up – he texting me pics of concert we went to and saying hello

        I can NOT respond

        I do not think he has any concept of my job at all – he is only thinking of his own companionship

        Liked by 1 person

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