The Time of Life

I’m a little bit in a bummed mood.

I don’t really want to talk too much about it.. but I am just disappointed by some people.

I am trying not to take personally… but I am. And also… now I do not believe or trust what say…

So. Now I be different … now there gonna be distance and mistrust

It’s going to be handled … but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

So anyway, little bummed – kinda just took wind out of sails after everything. Like I said … it will be handled … but I’m just sad it went there cause now I can’t trust or believe. Good luck with that. I will never trust or believe now. I just see who some people are…

See doesn’t take long time before you see someone’s true colors – see how evil someone can be when they think they have power or control… or can gain it.

Let’s just put this song right here…

https://youtu.be/i6RFccBmqM4

Most of that song – yes! BUT I do not ever ever ever ever wish anyone dead ever – that is bad … so just ignore that one part ✌️

So whatever – next subject…

My oldest came over this afternoon… we just talking about stuff and I feed him dinner ❤️

I telling him about everything and then…

I know something … a change that is coming… I’m not supposed to know… I only know because I talk and help everyone… so just as I am loyal to my boss… many are also loyal to me, because I have also had their backs.

Since I talk to everyone – people just tell me stuff so I know things ✌️

So I said “IF this change actually happens, then maybe I get pet” ❤️

And he say… oh mum why you wanna do that to yourself?

What?? Have a loving awesome companion ? Lol

He say “ no you pay a lot of money to be devastated and cry when they die – you got about 10 years depending on the breed”

Ugh!! What a horrible way to see it!

He listed off vet bills and food and medical issues… and then they die and you cry

Well yes… but then what about that saying? Is it better to have loved and lost? Or to have never loved at all?

So when I am ready … I’m ok for love even if I will lose… I am little hesitant with it, because I want to make sure I am ready …

But as far as loss goes, yes I will lose them in roughly decade. But anything you love – you will lose one way or another. You don’t know how fast or slow you could lose someone.

Do you just not touch love again?

Cause me of all people… if something causes pain or makes hurt? Then I want nothing to do with…

Death causes pain and hurt – but I don’t totally run away from it. I do not like when it stops and looks my way lol… but I know it hurts

But then that love to animal who maybe needs someone? ❤️

I would make it be a big decision – because I can’t just up and leave places, if I am caring for something . And I wanna make sure I would be able to care for really well

I do think about love and loss.

For those I currently love… I can not imagine life without having them in it… and because of some – I stand so – without I be nothing…

It would be greater loss to have never known.

But it does make me hesitate little. I don’t like the broken heart from a loss… is very hard.

But then I do think of those who are in my life … and I would not want to know life without knowing them… they are worth it. So yes I can love them … and yes I will be devastated to lose person or animal…

Love keeps life balanced even with loss.

If and when I feel ready for a animal, I be ok with it. I would give them happy life while I could. I know is temporary. I just get to have for moment.

What if I am meant to help an animal who has no one… I’m not gonna say no.

I won’t go look til I am ready and know I am ready

Same I guess for love in general

He’s just reeling from all the losses recently… we lost a dog and then things with my mom (his Nana)… and he worries with my medical things …

All the major events for him to see death. Never before so much death around for him to experience – so he did not like the heartbreak of death either

But this is the way life works … my heart will be broken hearted to actually lose my mom and I probably won’t function well at first. But it is because I will miss her love and never have her again… so that just chokes me up to say…

But does that mean no more love ? No.

It’s ok. It hurts badly but life continues.

And love can heal hurt

He still just reminds me they will die soon

He’s still mourning the loss of Chico. He lost his dog Chelsea in 2018… thanksgiving… and then Chico died right before all the stuff with my mom…

There is one more dog… she is 12. 😮

So his heart is little hurt with death

I wish was easy way to make it not hurt so bad.

Death lessons are good – you have to be able to handle.

When I go through things with my mom and I cry or sob… is good… it lets out the emotions so they not insane crazy .. it lets me come to terms with it

I think about all the people I have lost also. My family… so … it doesn’t matter if is person or animal – is still gonna hurt … he say useless self causing pain…

But is it though? Because is just as important to know love, even if it comes with loss

He has to find his own way through it… he has sensitive heart (he’s my son lol) he’s manly and he is the one who always wins the games – we can never beat him lol … he does not like you to see him upset or sad … (I am similar)

But he does not process his emotions the same – I’m pretty open with emotions always – very in touch mostly … he’s more private and have to be strong type.

But I’m also his mom, so I make sure he ok. He thinks he hides pressure from me but he doesn’t – I can see on his face

Loss will definitely effect you.

I just don’t want him afraid of love, because of experiencing loss.

Meh… even I hesitate for a minute thinking of that- is powerful heartbreak with loss, it can make love seem like bad thing

So I dunno. I gonna watch him with that

And it’s good for me to see how he sees … because it makes me also look at way I see it.

Death is a part of life that no one wants to see or speak of – then when experience – it’s hard to digest. The heartbreak is severe – it can mold the way you see death… and life

But you have to come to that yourself. Life will teach you, even if you don’t wanna speak about. ✌️

https://youtu.be/tmSzRx9RYLk

Yes… I would risk loss for love. Yup

Because I can’t imagine life without my people, and I have so much love because of them…

So while it’s heartbreaking and devastating … yes it’s 100% worth it. Absolutely!!! I do hesitate to think about … but it is completely worth it to still open heart to love

He will learn that one day, in his own time.

I joked and said “mine will be an emotional support animal” … that way they can come with me everywhere lol ❤️🙌 and I have emotional support love for 10 years lol ✌️

He is just sensitive heart … I also have sensitive heart – but I am comfortable showing and sharing emotions … lol … He is more private with emotions… he has same heart but always thinks he has to be strong

He had to take care of me after surgeries … he didn’t have to… and I told him no… but he said “mum you take care of me, my whole life… let me take care of you” … so how I say no to that? And I needed someone so… I let him.

He had to feed me and change bandages, help me get up or anything… he kept strict track of my meds …

He was the one I had to go over health care directive and funeral plans just incase … so ya know is my child so ../ he just always thinks he has to be so strong

He is a strong man ❤️ look what I raised ❤️

I feel for him. His emotions and heart

You have to just live life and let it be.

… trying to talk me out of an animal using death. Yeah I think about the loss – but then I also think of a cute little face to love and always happy to be with, maybe saving animal who need that emotional support also?… and then I remember nothing about death lol – once I think of all the amazing things … then yes I get lost in wanting that – I don’t care if later I feel loss – that is life. I am blessed to have the moments ❤️

So… yeah … I’ll go ahead and take those 10 years thank you very much lol ❤️✌️

… when I’m ready

Now he just has to come to what it is for him.

… yes they do love having a mother who watches their emotions 😄😄 – they won’t admit that though lol 😉

I know how to guide MOST emotions. And NOW … I am an elder …”officially” this year lol …

So… I am mom who read emotions AND an elder with all the life answers lol 😄 … I’m kidding – I may be elder this year but… I do still learn 😑… sometimes I don’t always have the answer – but in those cases, I am comforting 😘🙏

When they were little … I used to tell them all these magical stories about me lol … like about how the Fourth of July is to kick off my birthday (aka my independence from the womb) lol 😄😄

And then I also told them I had these magical powers that could instantly make you feel better… believe it or not – it worked lol … I told them that and when they would fall or get hurt – they would start to cry and I would go over and take gently and kiss the scrape or bruise … blow on it… if it was bad and bloody I just wave my hand over and doctor them up lol …

And then suddenly like magic – it was all better ❤️ every time – so yes I have magical healing powers lol ❤️😄 I can heal hurts pains and heartbreak lol … or I used to be able too when their life was simple.

Only recently have I allowed them to possibly suspect I might be Santa lol … but technically Santa is the spirit of Christmas … and a spirit can shine through anyone or anything – so who is really Santa? Lol

Yeah I know – they roll their eyes too lol ❤️✌️😘

https://youtu.be/JwQZQygg3Lk