Huh? 🤔

Perhaps all those times I say “should I leave death?” … but I stay? Hmm… am I supposed to get away?

I felt like it had healed me little and also let me stand up and survive during Covid… and I do love my job, and my team ❤️ (mostly lol… sometimes there is issues – just like a family lol 🙄) …but I love them. Absolutely know how lucky and privileged I am to work with them ❤️🙌 best people ever mostly lol 😘✌️

They my peeps ❤️

But I sit here this morning, and this will not go well… if they do find things – I can’t stay with death omg 😳

Also… just in case – I will have strict instructions for these people!!!

But yeah, I can’t be fighting something and also engulfed deeply in it 😳😳 this is death we talking about lol

Omg 😳 it’s just because I’m thinking of things – a lot of thoughts

Ok have to work, I “would say”.. will take my mind off of my stuff … but nope, it won’t take my mind off 😳😳 it makes it worse, because of business it is and what I see

See that’s gonna be all bad

11 thoughts on “Huh? 🤔

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      1. I am sure you are. I have found since Suze’s cancer that albeit indirectly l can relate to those who have cancer and are awaiting results.

        I had bowel cancer 15 odd years ago, but it wasn’t like either yours or Suze’s. Mine was cut away and that was it.

        But l have learned to appreciate the ordeal you all go through.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah well mine was cut away too lol … I think? And hope 🙏 mine aren’t even real…

        It’s weird to hear you call it an ordeal? Hmm I don’t know if that is word I would use?

        Not really ordeal? Life is one big giant ordeal lol so nah…

        I don’t think I see it as ordeal? Yes is terrible to go through but… hmm Let me think how to say? I don’t know?

        Well in life we all have all these different experiences – and many things shape who you are as a person…

        I think there is purpose… and also meaning to life

        Do you know the American Christmas Movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” with James Stuart (1947)

        Yes sorry is old, and yes is black and white …

        But the story if you really listen … he is a man who is frustrated by life and the stresses and thinks no one cares and he is miserable with life. He meets an angel and the angel shows him what life would be like for others – if he had never been born 😳😳

        It was awful!! Because he wasn’t there many bad things happened.

        And when the angel gave him his life back… many MANY who loved him came to help!! It’s very beautiful and touching ❤️

        So I feel like life … people come into your life for reasons… there are moments you learn lessons… there are moments you have blessings…

        But think about it… did you ever meet someone who you kinda needed to meet in life at that moment … sometimes there are reasons for that (I think)

        Could be that you needed them, or they needed you or both?

        Your paths cross

        Well I explain like that because I don’t really know how to say?

        Is same with this…
        Sorta … so I had a lot of lessons through everything – and it gives you a deeper understanding I guess? I dunno? I strong because I have lessons under my belt.

        I think life was trying to wake me up? And it did. Hard core.

        I dunno? Was very traumatizing… extremely …

        Not that I deserve cancer or anything – I don’t … but ya know … is the luck of the draw sometimes

        Normally you don’t always get to see how everyone feels about you before you die…

        But I did. I had massive outpouring …’so that was very beautiful and touching – extremely … I didn’t have to die to see that ❤️

        And I have people in my life who will take my mind away or just be there – I really have incredible people ❤️ I would not survive life without my people – my people rock!! I love my people!

        So yes horrific and traumatizing to go through … but that support and love and care completely carried me through some really dark moments, so yes ❤️ I can’t say I would call it an ordeal because life is full of bad things that happen – ugh life is such an ordeal lol

        But I saw glimmer of humanity in that? So…

        I also try to think that there are others who have things way worse than me… but that’s not to say… I am scared.

        More kinda scary … and then I at mercy again so ya know… you can only outrun death so long.

        I do believe things happen for reasons whether you understand those or not.

        When it is your time – it is meant to be your time.

        When my dad died(😩) initially … completely devastated like heart just ripped out!!! Did NOT see coming

        And we went through the stages of death eventually ..

        And then little things happened as chain reaction to that event and not all was bad.

        When I die, that just means it was my time. It’s hard on those who love you because they left behind with the heartache.

        But when I die, I will have helped who I was supposed to, and I have people who cross my path and who I help …

        I get really scared because of all the things I remember.

        And then I just see different ways … I remember watching my dad and how that was when he battle cancer.

        Heart wrenching

        And then when it turns and looks at you… one way or another that is gonna get me – and if I can dodge that bullet – I still have to pull some matrix shit to avoid Alzheimer’s

        So yes I deeply think of that pretty much a lot lol

        That is probably one of single most REASON why I so careful with who I want in my life.

        Because IF those things go down – god forbid please let me escape all of that… but IF it does… I gonna be at mercy… I want to be safe and secure if I gonna be at mercy. So yup probably single most reason!!

        I am not willing to have someone close to me who could not handle that … I am also prepared to always handle with people close to me just because if you gonna let anyone come close / they always gonna hurt somehow –

        Some are a season, some are a lifetime… some shoot across your life … sometimes you lose them. And you have heartbreak 💔

        So ya know – I accept that sure – but I am gonna be damn sure they ride or die loyal – otherwise sorry no – they gotta be pretty amazing so my bar is high ✌️😘

        Anyway… not ordeal… cause that just incorporates all of life lol …

        Trauma yes… because you don’t want to leave the ones you love – and you don’t want to lose life usually … is scary when death turns to look at you, or touches you!

        But I learn a lot. I become stronger than ever was so … all my experiences bring me here for whatever reason

        So I don’t know what word I would use? I am very thankful and blessed for what I have in my life.

        I am thankful and blessed for all my people! I would seriously not have made it through

        And I would not have them if the events did not lead me here. My life would be somewhere different

        Do understand what I say? Do I say it right? It intertwines with many things

        Maybe I would say cancer itself was definitely trauma…

        I don’t know if I like the word ordeal for it… because all of it wasn’t ?

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Ordeal as a word will mean different things to different people, l merely used it as a way of describing in brief an unpleasant experience of length. Perhaps not the right word from the person who is experiencing the issue, but from an outsider’s perspective it’s how l view it. Cancer is viewed by many as an ‘unexpected ordeal’, but again it will always come down to how people view their personal cancer personally.

    I consider my current medical situation an ordeal, but many others probably would not. I think it is how minds calculate and configure what they experience, some might say eye opening, journey, an awakening, a wake up call or even trauma. The other thing is l view being ill very different to other people also. Maybe the way we look at our own issues will reflect how we speak about it?

    We all meet people during our lives and yes we meet people at various times in our lives for various reasons. One of the biggest problems is that sometimes many people who are short livers as in not long termers don’t understand they are short livers and don’t know when to let go.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol that you call them short livers and long termers … I like that!

      You mean let go of life?

      What they need to let go of?

      Cause maybe they love life and don’t want to leave … don’t want it to end… want to stay on earth 🌎… don’t want to leave people they love… what if don’t want to let go yet – that’s ok. Cling if need to. Miracles happen so maybe also they carry hope they be the exception that will make it.

      Do you mean when people won’t die until the one they love are with them and say “it’s ok, you can go” ?

      Is that what you mean? Cause that happens – people will hold on for that!!

      How old would a be a long termer? What about short livers?

      I really love those new terms. ❤️ I’m so using them!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. 🙂

    No not knowing when to let go of a stagnant friendship is what l mean 🙂
    Good lord no, not let go of life that would be an awful thing for even me to say hahaha 🙂

    With people l meet, l am able to to pretty quickly assess how long they are likely to be in my life as friends – some are short livers and others are long termers. The real truth is we probably collide with more short livers throughout our lives than long termers, but the long termers are real keepers so we will do everything we can to keep them in our lives long term 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha ohhhh ok lol … I thought that was a little funny ?

      Yes. Many short livers … but you still learn lessons or have little blessings from them. From all.

      And the long termers, yes… we keep them ❤️

      I like to think of them like stars … some shoot across life… some stay to brighten our life… some just burn out…

      One of my friends always says …
      Friends for a season or friends for a lifetime.

      Liked by 1 person

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