I spoke 😮

Ok… so life pushes … I told someone. 😳 first time I speak with something … first time I come out to say something…

I’m not really sure if that was a good thing to do and now I am scared – little bit – also know I have to.

I also do not know that I can handle what I am about to step into. I think that is what I am most afraid of? I know I have to. But can I ?? Is like not even a question if I can, I just have to.

But I worry will blow into this big thing… on many things … he said best to know what up against and I do believe that.

So he try to talk me down from the fear? He speak gentle to me, he tell me these stories to stick in my mind for when I need strength?

He always says words that are positive – and I know not to put negative into universe – I know.

He is only a close friend I trust. And someone I know is completely understanding and also knows the same perspective or fear – in one certain area

I am having some breast issues … so it started little – just my scars hurting … I’m not supposed to have any nerves there but I get jolts of electric pain on the scars alot- more and more frequently …

I have this pain in the area I had the biggest lump. So that makes me nervous – it adds chest pressure when I breathe – I am always holding my breast so it not hurt…

And while I sick- it hurts a lot

He tell me things happen for reason – we slow (they are slow – not me ever!) and your body does tell you things and you supposed to listen.

But I am very overwhelmed to do Friday – I will do… I will try and see if I be ok… can’t hurt to try and is important. Whew… that makes me wanna take a deep breath, but then there is that pain and pressure I feel if I do that.

Because my friend knows this medical side of life, he can relate and he knows how it can overwhelm

Or so he says … I know he has had way worse than me all his life… and here I sit just overwhelmed, paralyzed and can’t speak … and he speak so confidentially and fearlessly … fearlessly in facing things

I asked him if he ever cries? Or be overwhelmed by things? He say “ oh yes” … but yet he can speak clearly with it… not cry just speaks clearly

I can not.

Even telling him was hard… he knows I was having problems with the scars … but I cry … I cry to speak ..: and then I need moments … and there is a lot. … and then once it starts everything gonna happen – it’s gonna snowball

So I will try on Friday … I promised so I will … but I try to imagine to go and what I say? Too much emotion and I will not be able to speak clearly. Plus I’m gonna be crying which I don’t like anyway. So I don’t know how this gonna go. And then that’s gonna just open all the cans of worms 🪱

Yeah all that makes me want deep breath for relief, but then I feel that pain which makes me feel panic

If I take my breasts and I feel around… I do not feel lumps … but there is this breast implant there so I dunno 🤷‍♀️ and while I feel the pressure and also the scars – I do not feel anything like a lump – only by inside pain not by me feeling anything

So… I do not know if I can speak well – but we will see. I will try… I am sorry to the people who will have to understand cry talk lol ✌️ I will try very hard but ya know – I do not think that be ok… I think I can.. but then I know how it hits me. So let’s just be realistic with how I gonna be?

I already know people try to convince me it be fine – and I know the earlier you catch the better – I know…

But there a lot I have to say. I don’t know that I can say without crying? I try … I will start to speak it out loud by myself and then I just get overwhelmed and cry and then I go really fast while crying. I go fast to get out as much as I can before you can’t understand me anymore… and then I am overwhelmed and trying to take deep breath and then have the pain- and usually give myself a headache

I went in hot tub earlier to see if would help take pain away… it does… sorta – it takes off the pain edge after you soak in hot water for awhile … but that only lasts so long and then it’s back

I feel it in general? Or something not right? I feel it the most at night when I lay down or just when taking deep breath.

Is the right side… the left side seem ok

Ok. Well.

I can try – we see. It’s just gonna be a lot

https://youtu.be/Y2NkuFIlLEo

It just hits me the wrong way and I am scared.

I don’t want bad news. So… Friday – I will do it… but gonna be emotional and I gonna talk fast and cry … I do not know how to do without doing that. I can not control – it just comes on due to the emotion behind it… and I know will be a lot of things

So I dunno – we see. I spoke so someone knows

He sorta knows everything… I can speak to him sorta (medically I cry) … but he gives me time to cry and then take a minute and speak – if you let me do that then I can do slowly – but will be a process.

He knows about my silence too. He knows things but not in in-depth detail. Just generally he know my story. My things … little by little he knows more

So… I do have a comfort from him just because he can understand me here with this.

I had to say something because it was getting worse and worse and then that makes me scared

I’ve been not feeling well either so just makes me worry more cause I feel the pain more

I want to say whatever it be fine, but I do not feel confident to say that

I am somewhat quiet … I will update as able

10 thoughts on “I spoke 😮

Add yours

  1. I can’t say anything and l’ll not be another that says things will be fine. Like you, l hope they will be. I know indirectly through Suze’s cancer how she feels and the worries she has even with remission. It’s like a vase that is broken, it can be glued back together but the integrity is always in question.

    So l will say this to you Trisha. My sincerest hugs to you as a friend, you will be in my thoughts today and tomorrow. Keep well and where you can keep smiling 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is perfect and beautiful analogy – that is exactly

      Thank you 🥰

      I do smile a lot, just some things, I cry with. Not a depressed type, but is heart bleed thing, cause I just know what they do 💔 🩸 It just makes me cry.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending good juju.
    Scars are weird and do weird things. One of my 5 small gastric surgery scars occassionally feels like I’m being stabbed with a fork. I was certain there was a tool left inside me but ultrasounds and xrays say otherwise. I will hope/expect the same for you!! Perhaps it’s nerves rebuilding themselves… over sensitive right now.

    Depending on what docs find, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, maybe try some infrared therapy. I didn’t believe in it at all till trying the full body version at PlanetFitness. I’m still not convinced it works but *something* has made me FAR better (I can walk again) and that’s the only thing that’s different. The booth is private so a person can wear whatever they want, or even nothing, during the treatment. There are also plenty of home use devices avail, cheap, online.

    Regardless, I’m thinking good things for you!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s also called red light therapy. Somehow improves healing and reduces inflammation.

        I’m strongly hoping your pain is related to scar tissue and healing!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I will have to read about it… very interesting

        Yeah let’s just hope is fine and normal 🙏🙏 I don’t wanna think too much about it.

        But I do have pain feelings like had with cancer – within past few months more and more noticeable and now is bothering all the time

        Maybe something wrong with implants or something like that?

        So I just have to see what they say. Or do 😳

        Thank you though ❤️❤️

        Like

  3. Of course you are scared. Cancer is a horrible thing and you obviously will think the worse because of all you have been through. It’s best to get it checked out and then you will know. The worst part is the unknown. May I make a suggestion. Write out everything you want to tell the doctor. Or type it and print it. That way everything you want to tell him will be on that piece of paper. Better than forgetting to tell him something. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! I am going to do that…

      That is very good idea… yes to write will be way better. So I won’t forget and maybe not cry? Or not as badly?

      That is perfect ❤️ I will do “that”! ✍️

      Thank you very much ❤️

      Like

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