Ok… so life pushes … I told someone. 😳 first time I speak with something … first time I come out to say something…
I’m not really sure if that was a good thing to do and now I am scared – little bit – also know I have to.
I also do not know that I can handle what I am about to step into. I think that is what I am most afraid of? I know I have to. But can I ?? Is like not even a question if I can, I just have to.
But I worry will blow into this big thing… on many things … he said best to know what up against and I do believe that.
So he try to talk me down from the fear? He speak gentle to me, he tell me these stories to stick in my mind for when I need strength?
He always says words that are positive – and I know not to put negative into universe – I know.
He is only a close friend I trust. And someone I know is completely understanding and also knows the same perspective or fear – in one certain area
I am having some breast issues … so it started little – just my scars hurting … I’m not supposed to have any nerves there but I get jolts of electric pain on the scars alot- more and more frequently …
I have this pain in the area I had the biggest lump. So that makes me nervous – it adds chest pressure when I breathe – I am always holding my breast so it not hurt…
And while I sick- it hurts a lot
He tell me things happen for reason – we slow (they are slow – not me ever!) and your body does tell you things and you supposed to listen.
But I am very overwhelmed to do Friday – I will do… I will try and see if I be ok… can’t hurt to try and is important. Whew… that makes me wanna take a deep breath, but then there is that pain and pressure I feel if I do that.
Because my friend knows this medical side of life, he can relate and he knows how it can overwhelm
Or so he says … I know he has had way worse than me all his life… and here I sit just overwhelmed, paralyzed and can’t speak … and he speak so confidentially and fearlessly … fearlessly in facing things
I asked him if he ever cries? Or be overwhelmed by things? He say “ oh yes” … but yet he can speak clearly with it… not cry just speaks clearly
I can not.
Even telling him was hard… he knows I was having problems with the scars … but I cry … I cry to speak ..: and then I need moments … and there is a lot. … and then once it starts everything gonna happen – it’s gonna snowball
So I will try on Friday … I ￼promised so I will … but I try to imagine to go and what I say? Too much emotion and I will not be able to speak clearly. Plus I’m gonna be crying which I don’t like anyway. So I don’t know how this gonna go. And then that’s gonna just open all the cans of worms 🪱
Yeah all that makes me want deep breath for relief, but then I feel that pain which makes me feel panic
If I take my breasts and I feel around… I do not feel lumps … but there is this breast implant there so I dunno 🤷♀️ and while I feel the pressure and also the scars – I do not feel anything like a lump – only by inside pain not by me feeling anything
So… I do not know if I can speak well – but we will see. I will try… I am sorry to the people who will have to understand cry talk lol ✌️ I will try very hard but ya know – I do not think that be ok… I think I can.. but then I know how it hits me. So let’s just be realistic with how I gonna be?
I already know people try to convince me it be fine – and I know the earlier you catch the better – I know…
But there a lot I have to say. I don’t know that I can say without crying? I try … I will start to speak it out loud by myself and then I just get overwhelmed and cry and then I go really fast while crying. I go fast to get out as much as I can before you can’t understand me anymore… and then I am overwhelmed and trying to take deep breath and then have the pain- and usually give myself a headache
I went in hot tub earlier to see if would help take pain away… it does… sorta – it takes off the pain edge after you soak in hot water for awhile … but that only lasts so long and then it’s back
I feel it in general? Or something not right? I feel it the most at night when I lay down or just when taking deep breath.
Is the right side… the left side seem ok
I can try – we see. It’s just gonna be a lot
It just hits me the wrong way and I am scared.
I don’t want bad news. So… Friday – I will do it… but gonna be emotional and I gonna talk fast and cry … I do not know how to do without doing that. I can not control – it just comes on due to the emotion behind it… and I know will be a lot of things
So I dunno – we see. I spoke so someone knows
He sorta knows everything… I can speak to him sorta (medically I cry) … but he gives me time to cry and then take a minute and speak – if you let me do that then I can do slowly – but will be a process.
He knows about my silence too. He knows things but not in in-depth detail. Just generally he know my story. My things … little by little he knows more
So… I do have a comfort from him just because he can understand me here with this.
I had to say something because it was getting worse and worse and then that makes me scared
I’ve been not feeling well either so just makes me worry more cause I feel the pain more
I want to say whatever it be fine, but I do not feel confident to say that
I am somewhat quiet … I will update as able