Good morning …
Yesterday I was on a roll with my stuff … handling it well. Been doing that this morning also.
Actually to be honest, I am nervous to do this all by myself, because I am unfamiliar in this.
But at the same time, I think it will be better? I think that at least. Because I haven’t had a chance to speak or stick up for myself – and now I will… whether that makes a difference or not… but finally I know I will stick up for myself. 🙏 so whatever happens – that’s on me now. I take control. ✌️
Anyway, like I said… I was on a roll… I took a break about 4:30pm? And shortly after, I got a text…
It was country boy. So we chatted for a little bit. He sucks at text messages lol totally! He always has. He is NOT a texter lol …
And I am not really a phone talker lol. I like texts better. I do the phone with people who are close in my life, but that’s it.
Anyway we texted … he does that for me – he’s very thoughtful with things, and typically always very respectful of how I am.
He asked what I was doing… I said nothing, was just working on my stuff. Taking a break.
He’s been in my life since 2014… he knows literally everything… he knows who I am, how I am, what I have been through – all of it.
He has been an incredible friend through things always!! He is currently aware I am silent and stay to myself. He knows all of it.
He met me before everything just exploded. So he has known and seen all of it. I don’t have to hold anything like that back. He’s very kind, understanding and supportive.
I do actually feel great ease with him.
Anyway… he asked if was ok if he came over. He has been one of the only 2 people who have come over my house – the other person is my girlfriend who helped me move in.
He’s been over my house twice before – once when I first moved in, to come check it out … and then again back in November. Oh wait no … correction 3 times… cause he came over to talk when the shut downs first happened – we hadn’t spoken since November.
We had a disagreement in November and I’ve never gone silent on him before, but I did at that time. I don’t think he expected that. I dunno. Was just where I was. I am silent. Just let me. I am tired. I have never shut off before. And it was sudden.
When the shut downs happened he checked on me. And we were talking.
He came over in March and we straightened it out and talked about what he wanted and what I wanted. I don’t think we understand each other very well… he is so much a man, and I am so much a woman lol ✌️
I believe really strongly – if you want to be in my life… then BE there. If you don’t, then whatever. I don’t really mess around with that. I am hard core in that area. Especially right now. I don’t want anything or anyone clouding up my life. I am massively protective. If you come in my life like that, you will be important.
And I also don’t want to be for a moment – I have something VERY important to me… so if he can’t do that, then he’s not what I want. It’s extremely important to me.
That one thing… if you can’t do – then it’s a no. I won’t back down on that one. He is well aware how strongly I stand on that.
Anyway, I don’t mind him coming over, I like his company. Like I said he’s always been a good friend through things. He does have a peace about him and I am at ease with him. He does have a good heart and he’s been a good friend and just knows everything.
So… he came over … when he showed up… he had brought a Dr Pepper for me… that was really thoughtful.
And we sat and talked for a little while. He told me what’s up with him and his kids and I told him my stuff…
I am very womanly compared to him. He is manly, and very country… but also a jock … he plays baseball normally – but he also owns 2 businesses… a tree company and a fence company – so he’s been doing that because they aren’t currently playing baseball ⚾️ … but there are talks of it coming back on? We see
He took me for an evening walk… it was really nice. We are out here in the country – it’s so incredibly beautiful and peaceful all the time!!
The stars are brilliant in the country. And it was a warm night… it was just peaceful. We chatted and laughed … he mentioned snakes so I got a little closer lol
That’s when he took my hand 😮 … my hands are soft, I love lotion and I’m girly… I am very soft… he works hard with his businesses and normally plays baseball ⚾️… his hands are rough and callused.
It was nice, he feels protective… but it kinda took me by surprise. I just haven’t had anyone take my hand like that. I just don’t remember. I’m so busy being protective of myself and keeping everyone away from me lol. ✌️
His hands engulfed mine. And we walked back to my house holding hands. It was comforting. I felt protected? I felt a twinge when he took my hand.
We came back and watched a little TV and laughed. He played a card game with me. He just takes my mind away when I need that. He always seems to know when I need that. He never pressures me. He respects who I am
He stayed until 11:30pm… he had to work today and we both had to get to bed… he lives maybe an hour or so from me?
I am not totally comfortable with a man staying over, so I did not offer.
I put my shoes on, and walked him to his big giant truck … just to say goodnight and goodbye.
I went to give him a hug goodbye… and he kissed me 😮 … we did NOT social distance 😮 I allowed it …whoa
I am still even now a little stunned 😳😮 Oh my god! My knees went weak 😮 uh oh
First of all… umm I have not been kissed in a really long time. That caught me by surprise.
And we have already had this discussion… we did talk a little more last night – I do think because we are so different, we don’t always understand each other … he is a total man… I am a total woman.
But that kiss 😮 whoa!! 😳 uh oh
My mind is a million miles away from that stuff. I keep everyone away cause I don’t want any problems.
I do love his friendship. And I am at ease with him..
And with talking last night … I again laid out what I want. If he can’t do that – then do NOT attempt. He attempted 😮 whoa
I don’t understand him.
I don’t even know what to think. That kiss … since leaving my ex I just don’t let anyone come close like that. I forget. And my ex was not loving or kind.
Careful country boy … Playing with the queen of hearts ♥️ ✌️
I keep everyone away and I even try to be careful with him. I was not careful enough 😳😮 crap
Do not get sidetracked!! Nope do not do that.
I am attracted to him.
I like his heart, he is gentle and kind…
I find him hot… dammit
He’s just… I don’t know?
Look here’s the thing… if I just let go with him… he’s already electric to me – so … if he blew my mind completely away with “stuff” … and by stuff I mean sex…
If he blew my mind there, I would completely fall in love … so nope … I can’t … but I do find him completely electric ⚡️… whoa 😮 crap
I control myself because um I have one thing that is really important to me. So I want that. I need to have that … if I don’t find it than whatever… but if I’m gonna have something – I have one thing that’s really truly important to me. So… I want that. Period and done. It has to be with that. Because of who I am. I want to relax in this thing I want. It’s very important to me.
He knows all of that.
He has his life – I have mine. We are friends – he is electric 😮 … stay away!!! Lol
He made me breathe heavy 😮 whoa 😳 uh oh
Ok so how to handle that. I um… I’m not ready to fall in love.
Crap ..what the fuck 2020?!!! I hate you 2020!!
I know you don’t get to chose … who or how you fall in love … and you don’t get to chose when… I don’t know?
I hold back… I can’t let go… but I want him ~ deep breath ~
Not good… distraction – stay away!!
Yeah if I go further, I’m going to fall in love with him… he needs to understand that. Stay away if you can’t handle. Seriously.
So. Yeah – that was a kiss 💋 😮 whew
Asshole – kidding I only say that because he’s electric to me and then he kissed me 😮 made me melt… and then he had to go. Whew, omg
Ok so … there was that 😳😮
I kinda feel sick? – but also have a smile… what the hell is that?
Yes I like him. Like I said… he’s great. But I need one thing. And I can’t let go without that. I don’t ask for anything else, just one thing… and that is important to me
So… either step up to bat… or go sit on the bench lol ✌️
I don’t know what to think. He is a distraction! … stay focused!!! No distractions!! 😳
This is dangerous!! He is in dangerous territory now. Walkin that fine line buddy. ✌️
Now when I think of him 🤨 I breathe heavy 🤨 great … no more coming over – now he’s dangerous whoa 😮
Ok enough heavy breathing … back to work… I’ll be back later