Risks 😝

This ended up being longer than I planned 🤷‍♀️ oh well whatever ✌️ makes up for when I am quiet lol 😘

I had a rough day, not a big deal – from now til next Friday, I will be in panic mode… I think? Either that or I will be like this…

I only say that, cause all I can do is my best. So, I do what I can and hope for the best…

But my attitude may swing both ways lol – either nervous panic – or fuck it bring it on! Lol ✌️- so that’s my reasoning – just off centered, until not this Friday, but next Friday 😝😩 ugh please be ok 🙏🙏🙏🙏 please let me be strong 🙏🙏🙏🙏

And then ya know, the anniversary of my fathers death – I just don’t like this day… can we make it like leap year and cut that one day out every 4 years??? Can we switch it from February to June 4th?

That way, I won’t feel that pain as severely every year as I do on this one day. ☹️ but whatever – facing things 🤨

And then… remember country boy baseball player? When my dad died… I had just gone to watch him play baseball and we had gone out to dinner the night before – my life was starting to bloom incredibly – I told him that night … I am so incredibly happy at this very moment!! I meant every word!!

And the following morning I got that news and I had to leave immediately for Arizona… I called him and told him and it’s like crazy how that night before, I was so incredibly happy with life… and the very next day it came crashing down – whew – yeah I would like to skip this day – this day started the avalanche which would be my life for 3 years!! One right after the other!!

Anyway… he was there as I went through that… he always made sure I laugh and smile, always a gentleman all that… I know him to be a pretty awesome friend…

He always knew exactly how to take my mind away!!! And it never had to be sexual – but it was always unique and always taught me something…

It was always peaceful and just really nice. I like that. He was a very good friend. He is always really sweet and gentle with me. Just very thoughtful

My girlfriend said he was a douche – but then I wonder where that info comes from? That is not who I know him to be as a person. He’s had moments I don’t agree with him – but whatever – that’s his thing … doesn’t make him a douche ✌️

And my eyes are open, I am still guarded …

He texted me today… he has said hello before, and I say hi… he tells me not to be a stranger – but I’m quiet, so I do anyway… I did say Happy Memorial Day to him… but for the most part – I’m just kinda quiet and keep to myself

I guess I’m not really sure how to take him? I don’t want any problems or issues. It still stands the way we left it.

But he’s making effort to actually stay in my life, and he’s really been an amazing friend to me when I needed one.

I don’t know if he remembered this was when my dad died? I’m thinking probably not??… but he does those things whether he realizes or not. He did make me smile today…

So again, I stand firm… but I do enjoy his friendship. He is always very supportive. So whatever, we can be friends – but I just want it clear… I am firm. That was really nice to text me today.

He was a friend in my life when my dad passed, literally the night before – and he might remember because since that happened he has always messaged on June 4th – we just don’t bring it up… so I dunno if he remembers … I wanna say just a coincidence… he’s not the type to remember dates and stuff… but maybe? Cause he’s consistent every year

But anyway, I suppose just a friend won’t hurt – but I’m still really guarded and guys do this sorta thing… I don’t wanna be a challenge, and I’m soft – so I don’t want insincere either. I already know we don’t want same thing so if he’s trying to make a play, that’s not gonna fly. But nice effort ❤️ I appreciate that.

That was really sweet and thoughtful even if he didn’t know. So ok fine – friends is fine.

I just don’t understand it but whatever… cause either you want to be there or you don’t… what exactly do you want??? Lol

Do you want to be in my life, or do you not?!! I’m not offering him what he wants but he still makes effort to be friends, so ok – friends then

I kinda feel like if someone does NOT want to be there – there is the door… bye…. but if someone does want to be there then ok… I want people who wanna be there.

I’ve never really had a man do that – I’ve never let another man come close to me like he did since my ex… and I’m just always used to staying away from being hit on and all that. I have never dated – besides high school.. and after going through what I went through – I am highly cautious

I have guy friends – tons of them… all my guys from golf – best fricken group ever!!! I can say ANYTHiNG!!! And we just laugh, we don’t have to worry about nothin, cause we get each other and get the humor ❤️ love my golf guys ❤️ – some who know me, but also know I went silent – they will still text me and ask me to come golfing ❤️ I never do – I’m not ready. Not yet Someday. – I need to get through my stuff first. ( I haven’t swung a club in awhile, I don’t know if I can now? I would have to be gentle and gingerly)

I also have my police guys… and not all police are bad… the ones I know are good sincere guys who actually want to do their jobs correctly. They have heart with everyone … and support the cause itself… my police that I know, don’t power trip… I have those guy friends too – little more on the guarded side there though – Only because I can only joke freely with a few – and others aren’t as funny lol ✌️ I am more relaxed with the funny ones

I definitely have more male friends than female… I have a lot of female friends, yes… but the man pool is much bigger lol – isn’t that normal for most women?

Country boy is just different cause he got really close. I had let down guards little – he helped me though really hard moments by being there

Anyway, I told him about my court case, he knows, but didn’t know when that was happening or what’s happened – I told him the status …

He has known me for a long time – he knows things – he knows what I have been through!

He said – don’t be emotional- facts only. You have nothing to lose. He also knows I’m soft

He’s right. And I know that… easier said than done. My heart bleeds with things, I just want it to be over – it’s been horrific you have no idea. It’s hard to speak of and then I have to be in same room. Which causes me to panic and be overwhelmed

But I know – so it’s almost good to have that Fuck it attitude for me?? I can maybe remove some of the emotion with that? 🙏 I think??? 🙏🙏🙏

It was nice talking to him today, he is supportive and makes me laugh – am still firm though – but that was really nice ❤️ especially today! Appreciated very much

My mom is doing ok today, I was too afraid to say anything about my dad to her… we didn’t talk about… because with the Alzheimer’s is hard… my dad is a sensitive thing – we usually don’t bring that up because she will hallucinate and it gets scary. ☹️ It makes me really sad … so I stay away from that. I know she misses him, she doesn’t have to say it, I already know, we don’t have to speak it… I just wanted to say I love you to her ❤️

And otherwise just preparing … I do hope it goes ok. I hope I can do this… I am confident in myself always… but not with this. This thing is terrifying to me. I am traumatized completely … so ok … I can only do my best. But I’m also praying 🙏🙏🙏

I kinda have this feeling? It’s a good feeling ?? It’s hidden behind my panic lol … but I feel something really good coming?? I’m probably way off and it’s probably nothing… but I feel something in a good way?

I think it’s gonna be ok. We will see – let’s see how well this woman’s intuition works lol ✌️

Please work lol 🙏🙏🙏

Still living in an oven over here… is 102 today! 🥵

Surviving!

So life, whatever 😘✌️

Kinda living sorta – want to handle my stuff first. I guess I can be daring once in awhile? Take chances right? Try to do things outside of comfort zone? Ok… I think?

That’s kinda me? With a cartoon type filter? lol … I can go half way… just not the whole way ✌️ am new at this with not known people. I do like privacy and I am really protective. You still don’t know who I am. It should be fine right? I don’t know if I’m talking myself out of it or not??

With my family 😄😄😄 I do actually send THEM pictures lol… cause they fricken bug me constantly for whatever unknown reason

They get so mad at me, cause I always distort them somehow 😄😄😄 they already know what I look like mostly!!! Why do they care lol – it’s a big deal evidentially lol 🙄 they are funny with it to me but whatever ✌️ they know I am private – they think I shouldn’t be… I didn’t used be “so much”… always was a little but now is to the extreme

I am gonna try to learn to not be afraid. To do things that are fine, I don’t have to worry. Maybe try to do things I don’t normally do? Try other things that maybe help me through? Not be so tightly guarded? 😮

That’s hard – cause you panic without that guard- but it be ok- sometimes life is risk, right? Ok

So I’m just going to risk some things maybe for a little bit…see how I do? Well I will try. ✌️ baby steps again lol 😘

I just think, sometimes it’s time for risk? Cause sometimes you have to, to move forward 😝 but I do want that!!

I can’t stay in my little safe bubble forever…

youtu.be/csHFy5DZfZU

Kinda coming out of my shell… slowly ✌️ risking with a safe edge lol 😘

And then lastly… I have a “wise ass” app 🤨 …it’s been asking me annoying questions- it asks me one question daily … but lately they are really annoying questions 🤨

Today it asked me this 🤨…

Write a phrase to describe your year so far? 🤨…

It has a sense of humor evidentially 🤨

So let me think… what phrase do I pick? I will pick a couple since this year follows NO RULES!!

But my first pick is this… it made me laugh lol

And then I just liked these…

😄❤️ Gnite 😘✌️

2 thoughts on “Risks 😝

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  1. Hi!! I have been reading your blog for awhile but never commented. I think you are very, very brave. What you have gone through with your ex is horrendous. If I lived near you I would go with you next Friday for moral support. I can’t even imagine the anxiety you must be having over that. All I can suggest to you right now is to get yourself into a type of mindset to help you deal at least until next Friday is over. If you pray, find some passage that makes you feel at peace. Ask God to take this from you and to guide you through cause right now as it is more than you can handle. And remember once next Friday is over hopefully that part will be finally finished. You are a beautiful soul and nobody can take that from you. Be strong so as not to show that SOB he sill gets to you. F$#%k him. You got this🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much… I appreciate that sooo much! It has been really traumatizing! I do have a lot of anxiety and terror with it. Thank you for your support in thought ❤️

      I hope to god this will be finished and it will be ok, I am terrified. Good advice thank you – I will pray

      I do believe in myself, and I can only do the best I can and hope for the best… I go it alone completely next Friday… I do have to make my mindset strong

      I beat cancer – I can maybe beat this too? 🙏

      He plays really dirty and he has been really brutal through every single thing, all my deaths and also including my cancer.. he never let up – the court had to step in and make him back off while I went through that – but he tried, and he didn’t back off completely. He is a really horrific person. I have never met anyone with a soul so ??? Hurtful and vengeful? He is brutal

      I am very scared and traumatized by all of it. But I’m going to do my best… I got away from him, so right there my life is better ❤️

      Thank you so much for your kind words and support – I appreciate that very much! ❤️🥰❤️✌️🙏

      Like

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